February 12, 2015
Wednesday I went to the Texas DMV.
[Actually in Texas it is called “Public Safety.” Interesting.]
I think the woman at the Texas DMV was a little worried about me.
She explained what buttons to push on the machine I could not outsmart.
She pointed out the forms I needed, which were directly behind me that I had walked past, lost, three times.
She came and corralled me out of the autistic area [I did not know DMV’s had autistic areas] even though by that point she probably thought I totally belonged there.
AND got me a clipboard since it hadn’t occurred to me I’d need one what with the autistic area having nice little tables and all.
[It was a Men In Black moment! Quit it!]
Thank you, Nice Texas DMV Lady. You are the only reason I am a licensed Texas driver today.
[Texans may not thank you for this later.]
February 20, 2014
December 13, 2013
Icy weather in Texas is some sort of hint from God I give up smoking.
This seems like an awful lot of trouble on high to send one person one hint. I am not, after all, the only person freezing my ass off in Texas. I suspect a lot of non-smokers are freezing too.
Also. The icy weather makes going out for other supplies and to work out and to pick up mail a royal pain too.
Oddly, nobody is suggesting cold weather is a hint from on high I give up toilet paper, working out, or mail.
November 13, 2013
I just realized in a random conversation something I never snapped to before.
Texas is the only state in the U.S. I have returned to, to live in, besides California.
I have lived in a lot of states. I lost count of interstate moves around interstate move number seven — and I keep going home to California. Move out. Move back. Move out. Move back.
The ONLY other state I have ever returned to is Texas.
I should fear Texas like I fear the astrological sign Taurus. Huge life altering events have happened to me in Texas. Not all good.
Texas is a pattern I never saw before.
A blind spot.
I don’t have a lot of blind spots.
When they show up they are usually huge.
===>>>where the artwork comes from:
that is from the texas experiment: ethnography
October 25, 2013
We are having fun. Also I find it crazy fun that people actually come looking for me on the smoking patio behind Driskill Bar. Okay sure that is predictable but also, how cool is that?
Also here are some photos to cheer you up before you go all “don’t smoke” on my ass. Yay!
September 4, 2013
August 27, 2013
So foolishly Saturday night I went dancing in totally inappropriate shoes. [Hey, I did not know I was going dancing, I thought I was going to a comedy club. And I did that too. The dancing was a surprise event that came after.] Then for good measure, I trotted up and down unfriendly stairs in said inappropriate shoes, did two shots of some really suspicious cinnamon flavored brew, and slammed my [bad, okay, they are both bad, but I picked the most bad for this stunt] knee into a hard surface just to bring that baby home.
The knee is not feeling very forgiving. My knees have never been forgiving. In the words of a past ortho doc, “So pretty on the outside, so ugly on the inside.” So I am a little hobbled here, but hey, the knee has not demanded the knee brace yet. Ooh la la, I can still wear shorts and pretty dresses — if I don’t go crazy on the shoes. [Yeah, don’t count on that.]
Meanwhile, in other news. If you were planning on that free bumper sticker with swag, you missed out. That ended Sunday. But the swag is still cool, free [bribe!] bumper sticker or not, and there is cool new book news on the horizon.
:::THE BOOK::: is now available at Book People [Austin], Book Soup [West Hollywood], Cinema Books [Seattle], Samuel French [Hollywood], and coming soon to Trident Booksellers and Cafe [Boston]. Yay!
[Check out :::WHERE TO BUY::: for the current list of booksellers.]
Also we’re talking to Book Soup about an author event. That would seriously be yay, though involve [uh ohs] me getting on a plane.
And in other cool ass news, knee willing and the creek don’t rise, I’ll be playing softball in the upcoming Gridiron Heroes Celebrity Softball Tournament September 13-14 in Schertz Texas [that’s by San Antonio for the geographically impaired] so if you want to see mind over matter, come out to the Gridiron Heroes event and watch me run on this punk ass knee. Yay!
I promise to wear appropriate foot wear and swing that bat. Also I throw in home via Second and yell “Not the face!” a lot [my short stop days are over shut up] and should be doing a fabulous Kirk Gibson impression from the year The Dodgers brought that baby home. Except I’m shorter and blonder. Bottom line, It should be entertaining as hell, if you like to see small blondes run and curse a lot.
AND. It’s for a :::DAMN GOOD CAUSE:::
See you there.
Your Gridiron Heroes Adams Girl
*BTW, we have done hot crazy Gridiron Hero action here before. Oh yez, last year we did the hot poker tournament and auction. Stop in. We’re not going anywhere.
June 26, 2013
August 27, 2012
Texas reminds me of Malibu. Every time I turn around, something is trying to eat me. Something spider bit me. I am allergic all the time in just my skin and, oh, eyes! — to just the air.
And now. Something ate hell out of my legs.
Fifty bites? I kid not, I lost count after fifty. And here is the thing. After days, the bites were not fading. So I was all WTF? Seriously? Not fading bites? WTF is up with that?
[I get to curse here btw, Stephen Fry says so.]
I went kind of crazy on this.
I bleached every piece of clothing I ever wore a week of pre-bite.
I bleached the wood on the balcony.
I bleached all the bedding.
I bleached the concrete floors.
I probably went overboard and probably I did not even get bit here but how would I know? It feels like I am getting bit by fire ants most of the time it is not like it would stand out. And there are no more bites. But still. The bites do not leave. Ahhh!
A friend told me maybe they are chigger bites and [holy hell!] chigger bites don’t go away, they just keep going. Under the skin. Living God Damn chiggers. WTF?
Under. The. Skin. [Gack, Alien!]
She also said if you coated the bites with nail polish that would kill them.
I spent the other night coating my battle scars with nail polish. And it seems to actually be working.
I didn’t have any clear polish though, so I used this fantastical shade of orange. It is still fantastical too — on fifty plus chigger attacks.
If you see a woman at Whole Foods with a half bottle of bright orange nail polish slathered on her legs do not make fun dammit.
Your Chiggers Are Hell Adams Girl