4 Good Reasons for a Man to Hit a Woman
September 23, 2014
FOUR GOOD REASONS FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN
~ by Troy Dunn
Lately, there has been much discussion about violence against women by the men in their life. Many have said there is never a good reason for a man to strike a woman but I disagree and today I am speaking out! I have six sons and I have taught them what my father taught my brothers and I: there are four good reasons for a man to hit the woman he loves;
1. Fire. If you look over at the woman you love and discover flames have overtaken your girl, you should absolutely knock her to the ground and start rolling her around.
2. Spider. If your princess discovers a spider wandering across her shoulder and with sheer terror in her voice says “GET. IT. Off! You should smack that 8 legged sucker right off of her.
3. Choking. If over dinner she begins to laugh at another one of your amazingly funny stories and in the process, lodges a bit of her steak in her throat, you have my full support to yank her out of her chair, spin her around and start squeezing her beneath her rib-cage until she spits up!
4. Train. If, while enjoying a peaceful, after dinner walk with your lover, you notice she has wandered into the path of a quickly approaching oncoming train, by all means, grab her by her arm and like the strong man you are, yank her backwards aggressively.
Max Note: Cardiac arrest might go on that list too. You know if your love’s heart stops and you want to get it going again it might be okay to smack that heart back to attention. This is also though the best way to commit murder in public, knock someone down and keep whacking them in the chest while shouting “Live dammit live!” So it’s kind of suspect.
“nice guys” finish last
February 17, 2014
The article I’m about to point you to, 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person, really needs to be circulated, and circulated widely, for the benefit of men. I say “for men” because most women don’t actually need to hear it. Women, in general, have known for centuries you need to bring skills to a relationship. Those skills can be anything from cooking well to cleaning house well to raising children well to looking great to giving a really good blowjob, but when push comes to shove, those are all skills, and women have them, work at them, and know you have to have them.
The people who don’t appear to know you need to have them are men. Which is why you don’t see a bunch of women sitting around whining about how men don’t date nice women — but you see a crapload of guys sitting around whining saying just that: “Women don’t date nice guys.”
Putting aside the fact an awful lot of guys I have heard say that are actually shitheads and not “nice” at all, and the fact guys bitching about men with money getting all the dates — yes, that guy brings a skill to the table, he can take a woman to nice restaurants — or that men with looks get all the dates — that is another skill set, taking care of the bod and appearance, a skill set that is in large part lost on the male inhabitants of Austin, delicate cough — these guys seem to think being “nice” just means, well, you don’t black your girlfriend’s eye on Friday night.
Bad news guys. If the only skill set you bring to the relationship table is “I won’t give you a black eye,” you have a ways to go. So here for your benefit:
6 HARSH TRUTHS THAT WILL MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON
~ by David Wong
2014, motherfuckers. Yeah! LET’S DO THIS.
“Do what?” you ask. I DON’T KNOW. LET’S FIGURE THAT OUT TOGETHER, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Feel free to stop reading this if your career is going great, you’re thrilled with your life, and you’re happy with your relationships. Enjoy the rest of your day, friend, this article is not for you. You’re doing a great job, we’re all proud of you. So you don’t feel like you wasted your click, here’s a picture of Lenny Kravitz wearing a gigantic scarf.
Via Upscalehype.com
For the rest of you, I want you to try something: Name five impressive things about yourself. Write them down or just shout them out loud to the room. But here’s the catch — you’re not allowed to list anything you are (i.e., I’m a nice guy, I’m honest), but instead can only list things that you do (i.e., I just won a national chess tournament, I make the best chili in Massachusetts). If you found that difficult, well, this is for you, and you are going to fucking hate hearing it. My only defense is that this is what I wish somebody had said to me around 1995 or so.
#6. The World Only Cares About What It Can Get from You
Let’s say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the street, bleeding and screaming. A guy rushes up and says, “Step aside.” He looks over your loved one’s bullet wound and pulls out a pocket knife — he’s going to operate right there in the street.
Getty
“OK, which one is the injured one?”You ask, “Are you a doctor?”
The guy says, “No.”
You say, “But you know what you’re doing, right? You’re an old Army medic, or …”
At this point the guy becomes annoyed. He tells you that he is a nice guy, he is honest, he is always on time. He tells you that he is a great son to his mother and has a rich life full of fulfilling hobbies, and he boasts that he never uses foul language.
Confused, you say, “How does any of that fucking matter when my [wife/husband/best friend/parent] is lying here bleeding! I need somebody who knows how to operate on bullet wounds! Can you do that or not?!?”
Now the man becomes agitated — why are you being shallow and selfish? Do you not care about any of his other good qualities? Didn’t you just hear him say that he always remembers his girlfriend’s birthday? In light of all of the good things he does, does it really matter if he knows how to perform surgery?
In that panicked moment, you will take your bloody hands and shake him by the shoulders, screaming, “Yes, I’m saying that none of that other shit matters, because in this specific situation, I just need somebody who can stop the bleeding, you crazy fucking asshole.”
post valentine’s day wisdom
February 15, 2014
[That is TracyMcMillan in a Ted Talk. Cool stuff.]
the guacamole chronicles
September 19, 2013
Long long ago —
In a galaxy far far away [okay Austin but quit it I am trying to set a tone here] I moved to [yes] Austin and I and a bunch of friends went to the Austin film festival. [Okay two years ago stop it what about setting tone here was not clear?] And a bunch of us were roaming about after a festival movie looking for a place to land and decided that place was my place but we needed supplies so we hit Whole Foods for snacks and beverages and spent way too much money and brought our supplies back to my place to carry on the party and —
Someone tried to make guacamole.
One of the friends here on that fateful night was Kitty, and Kitty [who has known me a long time and also was my hostess on an occasion over an entire summer] had never actually seen me do anything more crafty preparing food than make coffee [which she taught me to do but that is not my fault, that coffee machine was crafty] or pull string cheese out of a refrigerator.
[Seriously, that’s me making coffee below on Kitty’s “coffee” machine, look at that machine? It has extra controls to go to Venus and also to re-establish the space time continuum if anyone is dumb enough to break it.]
So Kitty was utterly agog when I took the guacamole fixings away from a native Texan and said, That’s not guacamole, this is guacamole, and —
Made guacamole.
Which, grant you, is not cooking, but since the most food preparation Kitty had ever seen me complete was to pull string cheese out of a refrigerator, was like the second coming to Kitty. And also, the guacamole was good.
My friend Kitty is from Louisiana. Where everyone can cook and dance. I kid you not. Men. Women. Children. Small house pets? They all dance and cook. This is really cool if you like to dance. [I do.] Also Louisiana is the only place in the US of A where you will see eighteen year old men arguing over whose red beans and rice recipe is better, or see three year olds arm wrestling for their grandmother’s secret recipe for the perfect file spice combo.
When you come from a land where everyone can cook, like Kitty does, and can really cook, like Kitty can, if you have a female friend who cannot cook, you sort of get worried about her. She’s handicapped, and you do not know how she will find love, with this tragic handicap. And if you love her, and want her to find love and be happy, you really worry. Which Kitty does. So Kitty worried about me a lot because of this strange cooking handicap, and then —
Holy crap Max can make guacamole!
The guacamole discovery would appear in funny ways over the coming months [okay years, quit it]. Saint Patrick’s Day rolled around and Kitty planned a party. And, told me to be there three hours early to make guacamole. And, she got all the guacamole fixings!
It does not take three hours to make guacamole. But this was Kitty’s strategic way of showing off my guacamole making skills to the menfolk.
It didn’t work. I’m Scots. That’s right next to Ireland. I’m not showing up three hours early to make guacamole. I hit Sixth Street, drank way more than was healthy, and no guacamole got made.
Kitty was sad.
Flash forward —
There have been multiple guacamole incidents. You do not need all those details. We are moving forward. I met a man. He’s nice. I like him. Kitty likes him. I told him the guacamole chronicles. He thought they were funny. I think they are funny. But I said, Watch, Kitty will want to do the guacamole thing.
The next day, Kitty said, Make him your guacamole.
Score! I am a total sooth sayer here! YAY!
I tell him. He laughs. I laugh.
Here is the thing. He told me a secret.
He hates guacamole.
We are trying to figure out how to tell Kitty.
Still here? Bonus guacamole read yay! : :::gangrene and the avacado thumb of death:::
crush factor
March 31, 2009
I was at this party —
Talking about guys [I know that comes as a shock] when someone said, What is a crush?
This was a funny question to me my whole life people have been talking about crushes but maybe that is a U.S. thing so I came up with a definition and someone else came up with a definition and pretty soon there were a whole bunch of different definitions for “crush” and very few of them were the same. Some sounded like love, some sounded like passing infatuation, some were long term, some were short, some were unreciprocated, some love affairs that could not be consummated —
Then I threw straight girl crush and straight guy crush into the ring and half the people had never heard of that [they are running in the wrong circles, or I am, jury is out] and —
It is real clear “crush” is a common term used by a whole hell of a lot of people, but also that it means a whole hell of a lot of different things to a whole hell of a lot of different people. How confusing is that?
crush : noun : an intense but usually short lived infatuation….
evil luring breadsticks
March 30, 2009
The other day —
I heard a man on the television say men would not cheat if there weren’t so many women willing to be there for men to cheat with.
This was on a talk show and a whole bunch of women in the audience nodded saying, “Yes, yes.” Like the whole answer to men cheating was [those bitches!] other women.
This is kind of stupid to me. Of course, if a man is going to cheat, there needs to be someone alive and willing for him to cheat with. [Do not always assume it is another woman either guys cheat with guys just fine.] Just like, if a person is going to over eat, there has to be food there for someone to eat. But I do not see anyone blaming the food: “Yeah, he wouldn’t have eaten that breadstick if there weren’t so many breadsticks that were so damn willing.”
::: sigh :::
October 16, 2008
Twice in one week —
Women friends thought it would be cute or somehow amusing to announce publicly they are my lesbian lovers.
Twice.
In one week.
I do not know why I am supposed to be the public stand in for sexual experimentation or humor any time a straight girl decides she wants to announce she is a lesbian. But somehow I am it.
Every.
Fucking.
Time.
There is a problem with this for me. I am straight. And single. AND WANT TO DATE FUCKING MEN. Which is a little difficult when every man in Hollywood is convinced I am a lesbian because every married chick I know who wants to play with her sexual image grabs me and yells, Look here is my lesbo lover.
For fuck’s sake go pick on a real lesbian. I want to have sex again this century.
*ironically lesbian friends never do this to me ever
where that sassy habit came from :
doy, where else, janiebelle
candy days
September 15, 2008
There is candy —
In stores today. This can only mean one thing. Halloween. Yes!
Okay two things. Halloween AND Max gets bags of Reeses when she goes to the store now.
Both good things.
It occurs to me, if you date a man who has children you do not have a date for Halloween. His children do.
I am not sure I like this.
I am used to being the only child in a man’s life.
hindsight
August 12, 2008
Reasons to marry a Swede : Aquavit!
Reasons not to marry a Swede : Lutefisk!
*lutefisk really should have won that one
run olga run!
July 9, 2008
I so wish I thought this was made up. Tragically, I have no problem believing it is real.
*clearly any woman who does not call this man back has psychological problems what else could explain it?
where i nabbed that voicemail :
i nabbed that voice mail at ms. pants’
celluloid blonde 