how not to sexually harass a woman

I love this like a shark loves blood:

Dear NASA

So I saw this application to a NASA position from Jack Davis [age 9]:

 

 

I immedately knew 2 things:

1: NASA was in trouble if it was considering job applications from 9 year olds.

2: I needed to follow Jack Davis’s lead writing to NASA applying for the planetary protection officer job, [eat my dust, Jack!]

 

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NOT GATHERING ANY DUST [I AM A DUST FREE ZONE, TAKE NOTE, NASA]

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I hit that right off. Yay!

 

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August 8, 2017

 

Dear NASA: 

My name is Max Adams and I would like to apply for the Planetary Protection Officer position.

I saw Jack Davis’s response to your job ad and immediately knew you needed my assistance here since you are receiving applications from nine year olds and clearly probably need someone with a driver’s license on your side.

I have a driver’s license! Yay!

[I am so fit for the job. Also, noo pesky bus schedules. Yay!]

I have also watched Agents of Shield. AND Men in Black. [Eat my dust, Jack Davis.]

Also, I know a lot about microbes. I was tasked with eradicating microbes at an early age by a bi-polar OCD germaphobc my loving and caring mother and know all sorts of Lysol tricks.

Who needs hazmat suits when you have Lysol? Yay!

I so look forward to your response and am packing my bags in anticipation.

 

Love and Kisses,

Your New Planetary Protection Officer,

AKA That Adams Girl

 

PS: I live in Texas and am location friendly. [Haha Jack!] I am female so can coach aliens on asshat second hand citizen Congress shenanigans. [Yay!] ALSO, I am tan challenged so will meld right in with aliens trapped on a space ship with no sun for years [I get it aliens, I spend all my time missing the sun too] AND can explain the difference between “space alien white” and “local citizen alien brown” to ICE agents. Just like the President! Yay!

PPS: Okay maybe I am giving the President too much credit, but I got this!

 

national super hero day redux

It appears a certain amount of trust has been lost here because you don’t believe my super [anti] hero doppelganger is Harley Quinn.

Okay, let’s try this again.

Super [Anti] Hero Doppelganger Harley Quinn yay!

Me yay! [I get to “yay!” me, shut up.]

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*I don’t make this stuff up, I got a lot of email from friends asking when the fuck I started acting again when they saw Suicide Squad promos. What I really want to know though is if I can figure out a way to coerce Margot Robbie into doing all my personal appearances and photo shoots in the future because she’s way better at make up than me.

national super hero day!

So apparently the thing today is to post your super hero doppelganger.

Harley is totally a super hero right?

Of course she is.

Yay!

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My #doppleganger on #nationalsuperheroday

poor bastard

 

 

For ONE HUNDRED YEARS —

This guy has been pulling on his tatty little red outfit and showing up to spread joy and commerce and what did you leave him last year?

Cookies right? Maybe some milk?

Poor bastard.

This year leave cash.

And maybe a nice Men’s Warehouse gift certificate.

 

max’s 2017 wish list

 

LOVE!

Love – Erm, make that healthy love and no psychopaths and also mutual.

Love – Erm, make that healthy love with a male straight guy and also mutual and no psychopaths and also mutual and maybe he also likes me not just is tolerating me or putting up with my quirks because o’ love and also maybe some flowers from time to time.

Love – Erm, make that healthy love with a male straight guy and also mutual and no psychopaths and also mutual and maybe he also likes me not just is tolerating me or putting up with my quirks because o’ love and also maybe some flowers from time to time and also has a job and a car.

Love – Erm, make that healthy love with a male straight guy and also mutual and no psychopaths and also mutual and maybe he also likes me not just is tolerating me or putting up with my quirks because o’ love and also maybe some flowers from time to time and also has a job and a car and doesn’t stick me with the drinks bill and is funny and attractive to me.

Love – Erm, make that healthy love with a male straight guy and also mutual and no psychopaths and also mutual admiration and also doesn’t resent my job and maybe he also likes me not just is tolerating me or putting up with my quirks because o’ love and also maybe some flowers from time to time and also has a job and a car and doesn’t stick me with the drinks bill and is funny and attractive to me and passion is good and also SINGLE which spelled out means no wife OR baby mamma at home.

Love – Erm, make that healthy love with a male straight guy and also mutual and no psychopaths and also mutual admiration and also doesn’t resent my job and maybe he also likes me not just is tolerating me or putting up with my quirks because o’ love and also maybe some flowers from time to time and also has a job and a car and doesn’t stick me with the drinks bill and is funny and attractive to me and passion is good and also SINGLE which spelled out means no wife OR baby mamma at home and ALSO doesn’t have sex with strippers or compare me to his mother…

Maybe we should come back to love it is taking some work….

 

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ADVENTURE!

Adventure – Erm, maybe nothing involving risk to life or limb or life threatening events like explosions or riots or firearms.

Adventure – Erm, maybe nothing involving risk to life or limb or life threatening events like explosions or riots or firearms. Also no earthquakes or tornadoes or hurricanes or nuclear events or tidal waves.

Adventure – Erm, maybe nothing involving risk to life or limb or life threatening events like explosions or riots or firearms. Also no earthquakes or tornadoes or hurricanes or nuclear events or tidal waves. Also rip tides are bad also sinking boats are bad. Also floods are bad. Also no more kidnappers or serial killers. Also, altercations with bad police officers are bad (thought I forgot you didn’t you “officer” Sanders?, not so much). Also, no pepper spray or sound cannons? Also no unexpected visits to ER rooms. Also no BEARS or attack friendly wildlife – okay could we just skip adventures they are not normally very fun.
 

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SHUT UP! NEW YEAR’S WISH LISTS ARE HARD!

 

merry christmas you animals

 

 

best movie review in history of the worldz

 

 

This is the funnest most bestest movie review ever. And totally the kind of movie review I would write if I could write movie reviews. Which I can’t because if you do that everyone in Hollywood gets mad and you can never work again. Probably even posting THIS movie review will get me black listed somewhere.

[Shut up, Hollywood. It is funny.]

 

I saw Tarzan and this is my review after some wines
~ by Emily from the blog EmilyWrites


So I had wine and I am very tired and so I am a bit tipsy but I saw the Tarzan movie so I thought I’d give my honest review.
Excuse typos because you know, wines.

Ok so I don’t know what the plot is or who is in it other than Alexander Skarsgard and Alexander Skarsgard’s magnificent holy abs. I don’t know what the dialogue or acting is like or whatever.

But like 1/3 of the way in Alexander Skarsgard is going to fight a gorilla for some reason and he takes off his shirt and OMG LIKE I ACTUALLY GROANED LOUDLY.
He does not put his shirt back on for the whole movie.

And like The V. sweet mother Mary the V I am telling you. The v is worth $15. The V is worth so much I wanted to see the movie again straight afterward.
Did I say that he doesn’t put his shirt back on?


:::continue reading:::

 

suicide squad!

 

Friend: “I think your spirit animal might just be Harley Quinn.”

Me: “Doy.”

 

 

#forcedfamilyfun

 

There is this hashtag on Twitter #ForcedFamilyFun that is brilliant — which is totally surprising.

Hashtag #ForcedFamilyFun was started by a TBS TV show sponsor [The Detour] and usually those crash and burn hard — but not this time.

I do not know if the show is any good I have never watched it but this time the show peeps got it so right and that hashtag stream should be funny as hell. Except  —

All these weird ass dysfunctional people [mostly parents uh ohs] are showing up and tweeting THEY HAVE FUN AND IT’S NOT FORCED!

I am not sure whether to file that under “irony” or “delusion” or “Wow Detour peeps that was totally a brilliant funny hashtag that should have worked clearly the internetz gods hate you I am so sorry.”

BUT!

It did inspire me to dig out a childhood photo.

EASTER PORTRAIT: #ForcedFamilyFun

 

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