poor bastard

December 24, 2016

 

santa wants a nice suit

 

For ONE HUNDRED YEARS —

This guy has been pulling on his tatty little red outfit and showing up to spread joy and commerce and what did you leave him last year?

Cookies right? Maybe some milk?

Poor bastard.

This year leave cash.

And maybe a nice Men’s Warehouse gift certificate.

 

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merry christmas you animals

December 24, 2016

 

 

happy easter, internetz

March 27, 2016

happy groundhog day

February 2, 2016

 

 

no easter is complete

April 5, 2015

 

No Easter is complete without a return performance from my favorite Easter Bunny also there is no such thing as too much The Easter Bunny Hates You. Yay!

[Happy Easter everyone.]

 


 

 

4th_To_Do

 

david sedaris and easter

April 20, 2014

 

 

 

madonna_hard_candyThis is —

My favorite Christmas story ever.


 

When in Doubt, Throw Hard Candy
[AKA The Santa from Hell]

— by Toni McGee Causey

When the kids were little — I think Jake was three and Luke was seven — Christmas felt like it was going to be slim. Make that downright anorexic. So I was looking for a way to bring a little fun into the season, something that wouldn’t cost much.

I had a brilliant idea. [I should come with a warning label: If brilliant idea occurs, step way-the-hell back for your own safety.]

Anyway. The idea was to have someone play Santa at our house for a pre-Christmas visit. We’d invite all the neighbor kids and their parents and each family would bring a gift for their child ahead of time. I’d hide the gifts away and squirrel them to our Santa, who would come in the house with lots of Ho Ho Hos and joy and jovial warmth and after regaling the kids with whatever it is Santas regale kids with, he’d give out the presents. There would be hot chocolate and apple cider, a beautifully lit Christmas tree in the background. Maybe even singing, if the kids wanted to sing. We would be so sappy, Hallmark would sue. Or throw up, but whatever, it was going to be great.

When I write it out like that, it sounds like a very nice day, doesn’t it? It really does seem normal and sane and I should have known that in my world, “normal” and “sane” do not apply.

:::continue reading:::

 

my favorite christmas song

December 22, 2013

 

 

 

polar_bear_no_santaThere is —

Such an enforced extreme in your face “jocularity” during the holiday season, blaring from the speakers in stores and malls and hospital elevators, shouting at you from the television and radio, enforced cheerful near hysterical holiday mania shouting “Your life is supposed to be this!”

“This” apparently being some sort of Norman Rockwell painting that leaves no room for anyone not receiving diamond bracelets and being embraced by fat children and loving cake bearing grandparents.

There’s a whole world out there and a lot of it is not a Rockwell painting. And if you are among those not receiving diamond bracelets, ponies, new and overpriced phones, Ford trucks that according to Ford commercials are on every eight year old’s wish list, or the embalming love of Stepford relatives with perfect wrapping skills and even more perfect hair —

If you need to know you are going to be okay in place of a screaming message “you are not okay you are doing it wrong!” amplified across a million plus blaring electronic speakers stretching from Rhode Island to Hawaii?

:::THIS IS FOR YOU:::

And remember. It IS going to be okay.

 


*shout out to ana maria montoya for the danielle laporte link

 

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