pretty dresses yay!

February 23, 2015

Because I love pretty dresses, some of my Oscar faves —

 

Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett

Rita Ora

Rita Ora

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson

Sienna Miller

Sienna Miller

Zendaya

Zendaya

Margot Robbie

Margot Robbie

 

 

 

 






dmv frenzy!

February 12, 2015



legs_birthday_thursday



Wednesday I went to the Texas DMV.

[Actually in Texas it is called “Public Safety.” Interesting.]

I think the woman at the Texas DMV was a little worried about me.

She explained what buttons to push on the machine I could not outsmart.

She pointed out the forms I needed, which were directly behind me that I had walked past, lost, three times.

She came and corralled me out of the autistic area [I did not know DMV’s had autistic areas] even though by that point she probably thought I totally belonged there.

AND got me a clipboard since it hadn’t occurred to me I’d need one what with the autistic area having nice little tables and all.

[It was a Men In Black moment! Quit it!]





Thank you, Nice Texas DMV Lady. You are the only reason I am a licensed Texas driver today.





[Texans may not thank you for this later.]



photo day!

February 7, 2015

max and pumpkin on the way to the bat bridge

I really love this photo — despite the fact, looking at it now, it is clear I need to burn those pants.

That is me and Pumpkin walking through Austin to the Bat Bridge.

Photo by :::Chesher:::

 

 

missing vera

February 1, 2015

 

To become a US citizen, you are required to renounce your citizenship of birth.

To say, “I no longer love my country of birth or have any allegiance to that country at all.”

I think that’s kind of fucked up.

So did my mother-in-law.

 


 

[I was married to Swedes for a time.]

 


 

Vera lived in the United States for fifty years. From the time she was hauled over here as a young mother and bride — to the day she died.

 


 

Vera is the smartest woman I ever met.

Vera did the New York Times crossword puzzle every Sunday morning.

For fun and relaxation.

In her third language.

[She spoke seven.]

In under an hour.

 


 

[Okay actually a half hour but that just pisses me off so I’m trying to downplay that.]

 


 

[Okay actually Vera spoke nine languages, but Vera didn’t count languages Vera couldn’t rap in as “fluent.”]

 


 

[I can’t do that fucking New York Times crossword puzzle in a week.]

 


 

Vera could not vote in a US election because she would not renounce Sweden.

 


 

I lost Vera when I divorced her son.

She never forgave me for that.

 


 

I get that.

Vera never renounced Sweden.

How could she forgive me for renouncing her son?

 

 

 

author colleen mccullough
 
Is that crude? Yes, yes it is. It is also accurate. I’m tired of being polite instead of accurate. [No worries, you can mention my trash mouth along with my weight in my obituary.]

On January 29th, Colleen McCullough, teacher, scientist, researcher, doctor and beloved author who touched million of lives, died at the age of 77. She was one of Australia’s most prestigious authors, she penned 25 novels and is best known for The Thorn Birds which sold 30 million copies worldwide, earning $1.9 million — a record for the time — and was adapted into a TV miniseries that came in second at the time in viewings only to Roots.

Her obituary in the Australian opens:

Colleen McCullough, Australia’s best selling author, was a charmer. Plain of feature, and certainly overweight, she was nevertheless a woman of wit and warmth.

So there you have it. She was fat and plain. Good to know. Because no matter how accomplished a woman is, you can sum her up by whether or not she’s fat and whether or not she is attractive to men. Good thing she was jolly, or that fat thing might have really counted against her….

 


 
I’m guessing Colleen did not have kids. I don’t know for a fact, maybe she did. But usually they don’t go straight for “fat and not enough make up to make me want to do her” if they can just call you a mom and relegate your important to whether or not a baby ever popped out of your vagina. They do it to astronauts. They do it to photographers. If Colleen had had kids, they probably would have done it to her.
 


 
Check out the hashtag on twitter, #myozobituary – that baby is going viral yay!

 

that was helpful?

January 30, 2015

 

I’m always seeing posts online places like FaceBook along the lines of, “If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be?”

People give deep insightful emotional words of encouragement.

People give little warnings about the future.

How come no one ever says something REALLY useful like, you know, “BUY STOCK IN MICROSOFT!”?

 


*I stand corrected, one other person did, yay, Sparkle!

 

seriously?

January 29, 2015

 

Lady_Godiva_by_John_Collier

 

Why is it any time I mention women wearing clothing or grooming themselves, everyone starts talking about women “trying to attract men”? Women groom themselves and put on clothing for other reasons. We have jobs. We go to church. We go to the supermarket. We travel on airplanes and go to the library and drive cars and pump our own gas and, you know, do stuff that requires grooming and clothing, we don’t just lie naked and ungroomed on the kitchen floor till it’s time to go find a man. What century is this?

 

 

bootsTaking my own advice, I bought the boots.

Yay yay yay!

 


*They are mail order and a brand I do not. This could go comedy or tragedy but let’s live life on the edge. Yay!

 

 

I had this brilliant thought today. From now on when food shamers attack — wave gluten at them!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

I could see this clearly in my head. Me waving my little stalk o’ wheat at nefarious food shamers. Nefarious food shamers recoiling in horror like Kolchak vampires recoiling from a cross. There would be hissing. There would be clawing. Maybe some fang action, even maybe a little smoking skin action. It all seemed so perfect —

Then I remembered this Jimmy Kimmel clip:

 

 

It’s not going to be fun at all if food shamers don’t recoil away like a Kolchak vampire — and if I have to stop each time and explain it IS gluten I am waving at them AND explain what gluten is, well that is going to suck the joy right out of it.

 

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