small dancer
Yoga Instructor: Your body will tell you what it needs.

Me: Beer. It’s definitely saying beer.

Yoga Instructor: Your body will tell you what it needs if your name is not Max.

 

 

 

 

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yoga_1

 

The other day I was in yoga and thinking I should do better intentions than I usually do. At the beginning of every yoga session we do an intention and breath it in and breath it out and “make it so.” And I said, “connection.”

I say a lot of things in intentions but I thought this time it would be smart and good to do something a bit more yogi, so went with that.

The immediate response to that intention was the most clueless difficult internet client ever immediately emailed me and a guy on facebook made fun of a photo of me.

That’s kind of not the “connection” I was thinking about. But it is totally “connection.”

I think I need to think harder in advance about what my yoga intention is. And then, when it comes in? Because it totally will, though not in the way I am always expecting it? I need to accept it. I asked for it. I should on some level work with it. Though this time I think I just go smacked for trying to kiss ass instead of being authentic.

Dear Yoga Gods: I apologize.

 

heart

October 30, 2013

 

milepost_5

 

Tonight at Bikram I had made it through and was collapsed on the bench where I usually go to hog all the fan air right after class.

One of the Bikram peeps said, “You survived!”

She was laughing.

I make a big deal about how most likely I won’t survive when I am on the way in.

“I’m going in, send flowers.”

I said, “Naw, the body is still in there, this is just me in spirit.”

Another Bikram peep said, “I love Max’s spirit.”

It is one of those off the cuff things someone says, and really nice. It gets you because it is a surprise compliment someone handed you without thinking about it, it was just there on top.

 


A guy said to me after the Gridiron Heroes celebrity softball game, “I love watching you play.”

I laughed pretty hard.

[I try pretty hard too but if I have any celebrity clout at all, it is for sure not for my mad softball playing skillz.]

He said, “You have such…” — and I have forgotten the word he chose, it was a funny word, but it means something like “determination” and was more charming than that.

 


I think they mean “heart.”

 


I watched Kirk Gibson bring a World Series home for the Dodgers one year running on heart. That guy’s leg should not even have been working and he still ran home the win for that team.

“Heart” is a serious compliment.

I will take it.

 


where the artwork comes from:
that is from :::rooftop views::: post of the “my heart is a beast” art exhibit

 

Screen shot 2013-10-23 at 2.04.42 AM

friends and leg locks

June 12, 2013

 

bikramA friend stops by —

We end up visiting pretty late.

Also we start visiting late.

Tuesday is review night for me so it’s after midnight when I am even done reviewing and someone can stop by.

[Yo, pervos, do not get excited, this is a female friend, not a guy friend. And I am tragically more than straight. Ah, men, if only I could quit you. Anyway….]

It is 3 AM when I am walking her out.

My building has big open halls. Layers and lengths of open halls. And a courtyard. There’s a lot of room here. Going in different directions.

[People get lost in these halls if I do not walk them out. And in.]

I’m walking her out. Through all those halls.

We start talking yoga.

We accidentally spend the next half hour demonstrating bikram leg and hip locks and foot holds and stances.

We’re both wearing pajamas.

After, it occurs to me we were doing dancer pose in pajamas on hard open tiles and I stepped into tree pose and held it wearing Uggs.

That’s pretty bad ass.

 

yoga moments of infamy

April 16, 2013

 

water_dropI’m in class.

There are some new people in class. The yoga teacher is being nice to them. One of them has cut and run and is probably puking in the bathroom. The other two are struggling.

She tells the two survivors the first thing to get used to in Bikram is the heat. That sauna therapy is a big thing and takes getting used to and if they need to sit something out just do that till they are used to the heat, it will come, sitting in the heat is good alone.

I smile and wave my hand. My smile says, “That so works for me.”

[I just sat out the last position.]

She gives me the eagle eye: “YOU are ready to do more positions than you are doing.”

 

 

Bikram-shortsI got yoga shorts.

It is horrifying looking at my poor bare knees and thighs in the studio mirror — and also a lot easier for instructors to bust you if your thighs are not straining hard enough — but really a relief to not start wanting to rip my pants off halfway through a yoga session.

 


I am doing Bikram yoga. It is 105 degrees in the Bikram studio. And you are in there sweating your ass off – literally, like leaving wet physical body imprints on your mat every time you lay down and when you are not laying down, raining sweat on your mat that would make any rain forest proud — for an hour and a half.

 


I am a lot more comfortable, mentally, wearing at least below the knees yoga pants. None of that pesky “Oh fuck me, look at those knees and thighs in the mirror, no no no!” mental stuff going on.

I finally had to either start ripping longer yoga pants off at the thighs Hulk style or get yoga shorts.

Physically, I couldn’t take wet sweat soaked clinging too hot and sweaty yoga long pants syndrome any more.

 


Bikram totally is more comfortable in yoga shorts. Less “Jesus Christ I have to get these freaking pants off now I do not care who is watching” impulses or moments.

 


Sometimes my head snaps to the fact I am leaning over in very short not leaving much to the imagination skin tight shorts with a whole lot of people standing behind me and my ass is for sure at least partially exposed by riding somewhere nefarious yoga shorts not approved by the DAR yoga shorts committee.

 


Sweating with your knees locked, your head on the floor, and your hands locked around your heels is not the best time to adjust your shorts.

I apologize in my head to my pilgrim grandmothers and keep going.

 

speaking of bikram

March 4, 2013

 

This is pretty cool one of my Bikram instructors, Gianna Purcell, just won the 2013 National Yoga Asana competition.  If I can talk it into pasting in, this a clip of a performance by her.

 

 

doh moment #3,249,516

February 27, 2013

 

bikram_head_to_knee_poseI’ve been going —

To Bikram now two months. We do this pose in Bikram where you stand on one leg while holding the other out in front of you. [Let’s call it standing head to knee pose, I can’t spell the real Bikram names.] Both legs are supposed to be straight, and the first time I showed up and we did that, the instructor said, Your legs are supposed to be in an “L,” like Linda.

I figured Linda was a student who got it really right and was a good example who had been going a long time so all the instructors and most of the people in the class knew who she was. There were a couple girls in front who could be her, they had that pose down. But I was spending enough effort keeping those legs in the almost right position sweating in place I just wasn’t going to worry about who Linda was or what she was doing.

Next class, same thing. “Your legs should be in an L, like Linda.” Damn that Linda got around. Next class, same thing. And the next. And the next. For fuck’s sake, I thought, that damn Linda sure takes a lot of yoga classes.

Okay I don’t go to Bikram every day, I make it about 3 times a week. Which for me is pretty good. But it’s been two months now, and Linda is still in every class I take doing that perfect L? I looked around tonight, there was no overlap, none, in the students in front and the students who were in front in the first class I took. There just was no damn Linda.

That’s when I got it. I was completely right. There was no Linda. Every time an instructor said that, they meant “L” like the letter “L” that starts the name “Linda.”

Freaking Linda. I’m going to dream about that bitch.

 

the yoga report

October 1, 2012

 

Yez —

I have been going to yoga. Specifically, sweaty yoga. Which means they amp the heat up in the room and you work your ass off for an hour sweating the whole time and by the time it is over, sometimes sweat is coming off me so hard it sounds like rain hitting the mat.

It is surprising I am even in yoga since I had this total war with [freak] yoga people in Northern California which totally set me against yoga. But my friend Kitty said, Hey come to this yoga thing with me, and I love Kitty so I said, Okay. And went. And I like these yoga people and have been going ever since.

And have knocked off six pounds and an inch off my hips.  And an inch off my waist.  And an inch off my thighs.

In eight weeks.

Technically I have lost twelve pounds and was already working towards change when I showed at yoga —

[I was working at coming back after a year and a half plus off because of a shoulder injury, a busted rib, and a broken toe — not to mention an interstate move that disrupted the come back, damn move] —

But yoga totally gets the points for the last six pounds and those inches and also my Pilates stomach is coming back yay!:

 


:::black swan yoga:::

 

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