nowar_IIOkay, not really.

The Middle East crisis is a pretty big crisis and I can’t solve it. But —

We’ve been avenging ourselves on Middle Eastern countries for 911 and fighting a “war on terror” now for 14 years.

Did we win yet?

Has terror stopped?

Does anyone feel safer?



I’ve given up every privacy in the furtherance of safety here. Every time I get on a plane I have to give up shampoo and my lighter, strip halfways naked, and stand in a police pat down position while I am dosed with cancerous x-ray bombardments that take a photo of me naked.



Police and security types prowl the streets with fun boxes that let them look through and listen through walls so there’s no expectation of privacy in my apartment.



My text messages, emails and phone calls are recorded so I can’t even talk dirty. [Rude!]



If I drive a car manufactured within the past five years it has chips in it so the government can keep an eye on my comings and goings. [HEB, holy shit, now that spells Al Qaeda.]



If I talk about the wrong story elements with a student while discussing an action story, my whole website goes on the watch list and I have to worry about no fly lists. And that’s in the US, home of the free and home of the brave. Holy shit did that go down the tube fast. Meanwhile —



I have lost count of the number of military adventures our Nobel Peace Prize winning president has launched.

Is it six or seven countries we are in military conflict with now courtesy of our peace loving Commander In Chief? You know, the “Democrat” in the White House who holds kill meetings every Tuesday to decide who to execute with drones next?



Again I will ask. Fourteen years of vengeance and fighting terror? Did we win yet?



Most of the Middle Eastern figure heads declared “Public Enemy Number One” over the course of wars and altercations in my lifetime appear to have at one time or another been funded, trained, and armed by the United States and counted as friendlies – till they wandered off with the cash and weapons and declared the US their prime target.



Here’s a thought. What if we stop arming and funding everyone in the Middle East? Just stop doing it. Stop giving weapons and cash to anyone in the Middle East?

We appear to regularly be handing out cash and guns to both sides of most altercations — this is called a balance of power, in political and military terms I guess — or, you know, sociopath politician terms — but wouldn’t it be a real balance of power if both sides just didn’t have our cash and guns? They all appear to be fighting each other and at times us with weapons and cash we gave them. Why don’t we just stop giving them cash and weapons?



How about we stop buying oil from the Middle East? The US exports as much oil as it actually uses. What if we stop exporting oil and just use US oil here at home and stop shipping US oil overseas and then buying oil from the Middle East?

Do the oil companies get extra tax credits for shipping oil back and forth between continents? Do they own stock in shipping companies? What the hell is the story there? And —

Even if we did have to depend on foreign oil to power cars, which we don’t, we have the technology to run electric cars instead of oil so that’s all crap too.

We don’t have to buy oil from the Middle East. We are exporting more oil than we use. And we could get off the oil teat altogether if we wanted. So. Why?



What if we stop sending US soldiers to the Middle East? I know it’s a novel concept, not sending 18 year olds to sweat and suffer and die in foreign countries in blood baths and explosions on foreign sand. Jesus, what would Kissinger say? But it’s worth consideration. Also Kissinger was an asshole.



What if we stopped blowing things up in the Middle East and rebuilding what we blow up? We can rebuild the buildings, sure, but not the people. So we’re kind of spewing death and putting up fountains which is not working out to my way of thinking for the people who got blown up before we build the pretty fountains. Kind of a downer there.


If we stopped blowing things up in the Middle East, we could stop rebuilding all the stuff we blow up.

Holy shit, maybe if we weren’t pouring out cash blowing things up and rebuilding the things we blew up in the Middle East, not to mention killing women and children and reporters and humanitarian aid workers in the process, (I know, collateral damage — you do know “collateral damage” is dead people right?), we could actually spend some of that cash rebuilding things in the US — you know, at home?

Like bridges and roads and nuclear power facilities that are collapsing here?



Here’s another thought. Instead of following suspected Isis loving peeps around withholding their passports so they can’t leave the country when they want to head off to Syria and trying to arrest them for wanting to travel to the Middle East and join Isis? Creating a bunch of Isis wanting to join frustrated pissed off yahoos here who want to blow things up, not to mention all the cash it’s costing to follow them around and keep tabs on them? Not to mention, if we do arrest them, having to house them in jails and prisons and try them in courts and all that sash?

How about we just let the Isis lovers go?

Fly free little Isis birds, go to Isis, here is your passport, have fun.

WHY do we want to keep them?

Let them go.

Just don’t let them come back.

Sheesh. That’s a no brainer.



We’ve got a ton of problems and I don’t have the answers. But maybe we could start by bringing the troops home, stopping a 14 year war o’ vengeance on terror that let’s face it, if it ain’t won in 14 years, it’s lost, no longer arming and financing multiple sides in the Middle East who either kill each other with that money and equipment or turn around and kill us with it — in fact usually turn around and try to kill us with it — stop blowing things up overseas and rebuilding them when we could just not blow anything up and then use a little of that cash rebuilding things here at home, use our own oil instead of imported oil, or better yet, start working our way off the oil model, and letting people who want to join Isis just fucking go join Isis. Enjoy the AC over there. Don’t come back. The end.





If we let the Isis lovers go? We’ll have some open beds. Beds we could give to women and children trying to get the fuck out of Syria and save themselves.

People like the 17 year old kid who walked 300 miles carrying his dog.

I’ve got an open couch. I like dogs. That kid and his dog can stay on my couch.





veteran’s day

November 11, 2015


us flagI am never quite sure —

What to say on Veteran’s Day. As an American I apparently have a histrionic duty to thank all soldiers for defending “America” and “freedom” and “democracy.”

But. America is pretty much in the tank, elections are a sham, as is “democracy” which for sure is not what we are exporting these days, let alone exercising at home, and “freedom”? The US prison industry is a for profit Wall Street commodity that makes its profits stuffing more American citizens into prison cells. We’ve got so many incarcerated American citizens today we scare the red Chinese. Freedom my ass.

Here is what I will say:


Dear US Soldiers and Veterans:

Thank you for risking your life and welfare to protect and defend a nation that has a government that does not value you enough, does not pay you enough, does not take care of you after service enough, and continues to send you into lethal combat that is not justified enough to risk your limbs, life, and blood on foreign soil.

I honor you, I give my love and respect to you. I apologize for my government’s gross misuse of you.

May we change this in the future. May we protect our troops on foreign soil and on home soil. May we bring you home.

And may we bring you home soon.


That Adams Girl

justin trudeau paper doll!

November 5, 2015

This is too many kinds of awesome not to share.

Dear Internetz: You’re welcome.

justin trudeau paper doll!

:::click it:::

:::you know you want to:::

(not the leaf, you pervos, the picture, jeez!)


Iceland's 1975 Strike for Equal Pay for Women




*Hey, it could work, dammit. The official language of Iceland is
Icelandic, which is Germanic. I speak some German already. Also
there are a lot of English speakers there. Quit laughing.



a few bad apples

January 8, 2015




In 1988, the Ayatollah Khomeini put a price on author Salmon Rushdie’s head. Rushdie wasn’t wanted “dead or alive.” Khomeini wanted Rushdie dead. I don’t know what the original price tag was for one dead author, but as of 2013, the price on Rushdie’s head was over 3 million pounds.

The Ayatollah is gone. The prices on artists’ heads are not.



In 2004, Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh was shot dead on a busy Amsterdam street. The first bullet took Theo off his bicycle. He tried to make it across the street. Theo’s murderer followed him on foot and shot him again. Then Theo’s murderer slashed Theo’s throat and stuck a letter to his chest with a knife. Theo was 47 years old. His crime was a short fiction film aired on Dutch public television depicting a Muslim woman’s difficulties in an arranged marriage.  

In 2005, Danish cartoonist Kurt Westergaard’s drawing of Muhammad with a bomb in his turban put him on Islam’s hit list. There have been multiple attempts to murder Kurt. He lives in a home rivaling a Brinks security office and under police protection to this day.  

Also in 2005, Danish publication Jyllands-Posten’s former editors Carsten Juste and Flemming Rose made the hit list – for publishing Westergaard’s drawing.  

In 2006, Swedish artist Lars Vilks made Islam’s hit list. He, like Rushdie and Wetergaard, is still alive. He sleeps with an axe by his bed.  

In 2010, South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker received death threats for their depiction of Muhammad in a bear suit in their animated cartoon. They were assured they too were on the road to Theo van Gogh’s fate. A photo of Theo with his throat slit and a knife in his chest was attached just to make things festive. The South Park guys are still breathing. Probably because stations caved and censored a lot of the episode.  

In 2010, in response to the South Park threats, Seattle artist Molly Norris, who worked for a Seattle paper, publicly suggested an “Everybody Draw Muhammad Day.” Molly received so may death threats she quit her job, fled Seattle, and changed her name. As far as I know, she’s still in FBI protective custody.  

In 2011, the Paris offices of satirical French magazine Charlie Hebdo were firebombed, forcing the publication to move after its offices were destroyed. Editor Stephane Charbonnier, you guessed it, was on Islam’s hit list. Had been for a while, fending off litigation and death threats. Charlie Hebdo’s crime? A few satirical and not particularly tasteful cartoons featuring Muhammad.  

Apparently Muhammad seriously does not have a sense of humor because In 2015, armed men stormed Charlie Hebdo’s new Paris offices with automatic weapons and shot Stephane Charbonnier and 11 other people dead.



There is now an Al Queada Most Wanted poster being passed around the internet showing Charbonnier’s face struck out in red.


Think about that. These murderers, these serial murderers, don’t just keep little photos of their victims to themselves they can cross your face off of. They put your photo on the fucking internet. With a big red X through it.

THAT is fucking blaspheme.



The above is the short list. There are more.

And that’s a long time span.

17 years. For 17 years, artists, filmmakers, satirists, journalists, comics, authors, editors, gallery owners have been threatened, attacked, murdered in the name of defending the honor of a man who heard voices in a cave and has been dead for 1500 years. In Switzerland. Sweden. The US. France. Denmark. All over the fucking globe, artists are targeted, intimidated, threatened, and murdered.



A few bad apples, I am told. Most of Islam is not like that, I am told. Most Muslims are just nice people trying to go about their daily lives, I am told.



You know what a few bad apples are? The Unibomber. He was a bad apple, with a couple buddy bad apples.

This is a fucking orchard.



It’s time to burn that orchard down.


The Silencing of Theo van Gogh
FBI Warns Seattle Cartoonist About Threats
Salman Rushdie bounty increased amid anti-Islam film controversy
Al-Qaida’s ‘dead artist club’
Charlie Hebdo editor Stephane Charbonnier crossed off chilling al-Qaeda hitlist
Swedish Police Hide Threatened Cartoonist
Seattle Cartoonist in Hiding After Death Threats
The Danish Cartoonist Who Survived An Axe Attack
Jihad Against Danish Newspaper
South Park censored after threat of fatwa over Muhammad episode
France manhunt: Police raid homes, arrest several suspects after Charlie Hebdo massacre
Paris Killers Got Wrong Door Before ‘Decapitating’ Magazine
Satirical Magazine Is Firebombed in Paris


civil forfeiture

October 8, 2014



*I can’t say it better than John Oliver. Watch. Listen. Learn. And if the police ask you if you’re carrying cash when they pull you over? The correct answer is “no.”



men hitting women


~ by Troy Dunn

Lately, there has been much discussion about violence against women by the men in their life. Many have said there is never a good reason for a man to strike a woman but I disagree and today I am speaking out! I have six sons and I have taught them what my father taught my brothers and I: there are four good reasons for a man to hit the woman he loves;

1. Fire. If you look over at the woman you love and discover flames have overtaken your girl, you should absolutely knock her to the ground and start rolling her around.

2. Spider. If your princess discovers a spider wandering across her shoulder and with sheer terror in her voice says “GET. IT. Off! You should smack that 8 legged sucker right off of her.

3. Choking. If over dinner she begins to laugh at another one of your amazingly funny stories and in the process, lodges a bit of her steak in her throat, you have my full support to yank her out of her chair, spin her around and start squeezing her beneath her rib-cage until she spits up!

4. Train. If, while enjoying a peaceful, after dinner walk with your lover, you notice she has wandered into the path of a quickly approaching oncoming train, by all means, grab her by her arm and like the strong man you are, yank her backwards aggressively.


Max Note: Cardiac arrest might go on that list too. You know if your love’s heart stops and you want to get it going again it might be okay to smack that heart back to attention. This is also though the best way to commit murder in public, knock someone down and keep whacking them in the chest while shouting “Live dammit live!” So it’s kind of suspect.


size doesn’t matter

September 16, 2014




“Size doesn’t matter” only counts if you’re a woman comforting a man who has a small penis. It won’t count if a big breasted blonde walks through the door.



Splitting your vagina open to give birth doesn’t make you smarter than your childless friends. It makes you awash in hormones with a split vagina.


Poverty does not equal nobility. It just means your grandfather was robbed.



Wealth does not equal nobility. It just means your grandfather robbed someone. [Probably the poverty people above.]


Are you a criminal? Probably. Did you run a stop sign? Break the speed limit? Smoke a joint? Hello, “Criminal!”


Let’s consider what really should be considered criminal. Beating your girlfriend unconscious in an elevator or sexually assaulting a ten year old boy in a college football locker room.


my new favorite person

September 8, 2014

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