#TheDress, modeled by Sauerkraut of the Central Oklahoma Humane Society

#TheDress, modeled by Sauerkraut of the Central Oklahoma Humane Society

 

that was helpful?

January 30, 2015

 

I’m always seeing posts online places like FaceBook along the lines of, “If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be?”

People give deep insightful emotional words of encouragement.

People give little warnings about the future.

How come no one ever says something REALLY useful like, you know, “BUY STOCK IN MICROSOFT!”?

 


*I stand corrected, one other person did, yay, Sparkle!

 

my sundance doppelganger

January 26, 2015

 

Over on Twitter @Variety posted a gallery thing and there’s this photo of this woman in there with no name [okay she has a name, Margot Robbie] and — she looks like me.

doppelganger_jan2015

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, usually I have duckface and am eating a hotdog in shots of me.

max_hollywood_hotdog_400

But she does look like me.

Damn you, @Variety, there can be only one!

 


 

[Unless she has a really spectacular expense account, that might be useful.]

[Also I really need to up my game and start looking all sultry instead of hungry for hot dogs in photos.]

[The above hotdog photo was taken by Chesh.]

 

 

 

storage_records

 

I have boxes of documents. I mean, boxes. And more boxes. And more boxes. I have been paying storage or making storage everywhere I go, for years, to accommodate these boxes.

 

The documents are important. Contracts, quotes, tax records, clips — they are important.  But —

 

I keep carrying these damn boxes of records around and I.  Just. Don’t. Want. All. These. Boxes.

 


A friend of mind, a lawyer, spent a year using all his spare time to scan documents. I know why he did it. He was clearing the boxes.

 

I think, Oh sure, that’s a good idea, but can I really face scanning —

 

ALL. THESE. DOCUMENTS?

 


[Oh fuck no.]

 


Then I remind myself I am just one small enterprise and he had an entire legal practice he was scanning, maybe I shouldn’t be such a baby.

 

Then I remind myself, one big hard drive mix up and they’d all go poof – or, you know, one EMP?

 


[Wait, an EMP might take the IRS out too though, making tax docs an unnecessary thing of the past ooh la la.  Oops.  Sorry, IRS, I am just not your biggest fan.]
 

 

#freecheese

November 24, 2014

 

Mouse in Maze
 
If Facebook insists on conducting these “social experiments” I say we all riot for free cheese.

[All lab animals are entitled to free cheese, dammit!]

[I am partial to Baby Swiss, myself.]

Also I have our fight song:  Anatole!  Anatole!  Anatole!

 


*PS:  Also my friend Timothy pointed out it would be inhumane to offer cheese without wine and crackers.  Free cheese AND wine and crackers for everyone!  Anatole!  Anatole!  Anatole!

 


:::FACEBOOK EXPERIMENTS ON USERS:::

#FREECHEESE

 

the value of joy

October 3, 2014

 

raccoon-holding-cat_200_cbSometimes I post —

A photo or story on Facebook that to me is —

Just fucking awesome and funny and intriguing and I don’t care if it’s true or not.

A raccoon carrying a kitten meme?

That to me is hilarious and wonderful. Yay!

 


 

Then —

Someone shows up.

“Oh that’s totally photoshopped.”

Or,

“Oh that’s totally not true here are 50 facts from the table of elements to prove that is wrong.”

 


 

I sit there stunned.

[And not for the right reasons, you robotic asshole fact checkers.]

 


 

Some things in this world and on the internet are just funny and wonderful and don’t have to make sense. A meme of a raccoon carrying a kitten will not make a single difference in wars or deaths or school lunches for little kids who will starve to death if the little kids don’t get those lunches —

But that meme will, for a moment, make me smile.

 


 

Stop trying to kill the smiles, you assholes.

 

Sometimes that is all we have.

 

 

Ohyez, in my continued efforts to make the internetz a better place one kilt at a time….

kilt_whoah

Dear Internetz: You’re welcome.

 

:::more kilts on facebook:::

 

like!

September 6, 2014

 

like!

I posted on Facebook the other day that all my websites were crashed.

People came through and “liked” the post.

 


 

My websites are down, my servers are crashed, the school, my business, my book, everything, is offline crashed it could be the end of me.

People LIKED that.

 


 

There’s a weird autistic bordering on pathological [or maybe just pathological] mentality driving “likes.”

“Likes” mean “I was here” more than “I like this” or “I read this” or “I  saw you” or “I heard you.”

Just, “I was here.” Like initials carved in a school desk or graffiti on a bathroom stall wall. “I was here.”

 


What would happen if I posted that a parent or child died?

 


 

“I was here”?

 

 

 

crucifiction

 

I stopped over on ScriptChat tonight.  It’s a Twitter thing, everyone hits one website [the ScriptChat website] and then chats it up and the site automatically adds a hashtag, #scriptchat to the conversation. Which all plays out on Twitter like Twitter comments.

 

[If you are not on Twitter, that will all be Mars speak to you.  Sorry.  Maybe you should get out more.  Hmm.]

 

Sometimes there are guests.  I have been a guest. This scriptchat there was no topic or guest, but I had a Sunday night off and thought I’d go see what people were talking about.

 

They were talking about “prep work.”

 

Oh sweet Holy Fucking Jesus.  Seriously?  Prep.  Work?

 

Okay, creatives, let me put this plainly and succinctly.  Artists and writers do not do “prep work.” 

 
Busboys and busgirls in restaurants do “prep work.”  Lower level chefs do “prep work.”  8 AM bartenders do “prep work.”  Folding napkins, polishing silverware, slicing up limes?  That’s “prep work.”
 
Screenwriters?
 
Screenwriters don’t do fucking “prep work.”
 

 

Gotta Love the Oatmeal

August 4, 2014

todolist

Gotta love The Oatmeal.

Meanwhile, what should you be doing?

Checking out these bad ass posts. Doy.

–>South Park Writers Share Their Writing Rule #1

–>5 Instant Script Fixes

–>Authorial Intrusion is Your Friend

 


[you can even wear your underwear when you do it]

 

 

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