closet frenzy

October 6, 2015


It seems like after all the work I did clearing out the closet it should look neater than this. Hmm.




Also word on the street is the world is ending tomorrow in which case I am going to be really mad I spent days cleaning out and organizing that closet. :::grrr:::


baseball cap dementia

October 4, 2015


baseball_caps_2Why does one woman —

Own 30 baseball caps?



[When I say “one woman” I mean me.]



I spend hundreds of dollars on my hair.

It is criminal to own this many baseball caps AND spend this much on my hair.

That crazy contradiction might even spell mental instability.



Shut up it does not.

Shut up it does too.



Okay I am totally not giving up the Reservoir Dogs baseball cap I got at Sundance the year Reservoir Dogs premiered at Sundance —

[Yes the gray one with the red text.]


how to enjoy pumpkin beer

October 4, 2015


Step 1: Throw pumpkin beer in trash.
Step 2: Pour real beer.
Step 3: Drink real beer.

September 8, 2015

“I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?”

~ Jean Kerr


I was invited to a party. It sounded fun. There would be wine. There would be socializing.

I don’t get out much. Wine and socializing works for me.

It was a product party. That was a surprise. But —

I am okay with that. I just thought it would be –

Products I actually am interested in.



Me, I’m mostly interested in skin products. AKA Lotions. You can seriously sell me on lotions. Not creepy girl in a well lotions. But, you know, face stuff? That totally works for me.



That’s not what this party was about.



The party had at one time in the past been about lotions. The woman giving the speech regularly said, Hey you all were here at the lotions talk so let’s not bore you by repeating that again.

Um, I wasn’t at the lotion talk, I wouldn’t be bored by hearing that “again.”



This meeting was, so it would not bore me, all about a four week cleansing binge.

We are talking an hour long talk from a woman reading points off a hand out about a four week cleansing binge.



People got chocolate treats for asking questions.

Not apparently for asking skin lotion questions though. I asked five of those and never got a damn chocolate.


A pregnant woman was there asking how she could cleanse binge.

A big discussion broke out on what she could eat or not eat and how she could cleanse binge.



This was like the apocalypse to me.



Where I come from, pregnant women eat and do whatever the fuck they want. That’s like the only joy pregnant women get. They can be tyrants.



In this new world order, pregnant women binge and not in a fun way and can’t even use moisturizer without a doctor’s consent.




I am NEVER EVER getting pregnant.



confederate flag parade!

June 29, 2015



fat pants!

June 21, 2015

So I have to get fat pants. [Isn’t the fat pants dog hilarious? Thank you Jardiland Light Biscuits!]

I have to get fat pants because I got hurt six months ago and haven’t exercised and also have lived in sweats and pajama pants for the last six months.

Interestingly, sweats and pajama pants are a lot more forgiving than jeans. Something that only really comes home after you try to stuff your fat little post injury size 6 bod into your skinny little pre injury bod size 2 jeans.

I could tell myself I will just exercise it off. But I need to leave the house one of these days before I exercise anything off and maybe not in sweats or pajamas.

Fat jeans are in the mail.

happy father’s day

June 21, 2015


This never gets old to me.


Happy Father’s Day.


story board whut?

June 17, 2015


I am always seeing these crazy story boards posted online by writers. They are very ordered and very detailed and very complex and to me look like time outlines for a NASA space mission or a chores list put up for a military camp.

Here is one of those crazy story boards:

Screen shot 2015-06-17 at 5.45.25 PM

Here is my story board:


I guess my story board should be embarrassed by the bigger more glamorous story boards but it isn’t. My story board says, Fuck off, it doesn’t do manual labor.



I have decided to be Asian.

There are good reasons for this.

I love white go go boots. All Asian girls look good in white go go boots.

I look like I am in costume when I wear white go go boots.

Asian girls can wear sweat shirts and hoodies and it looks like a fashion statement.

When I wear sweat shirts and hoodies, I look like an under dressed German tourist.

Asian girls can wear flat heeled sneakers and they look cute and adorable and like they have Cinderella feet.

When I wear flat heeled sneakers, I look short and like I have big feet.

I just don’t see anything going wrong with this plan. Also it is for fashion. You can’t argue with fashion, dammit!



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