confederate flag parade!

June 29, 2015

 

 

fat pants!

June 21, 2015

dog_fat_pants
So I have to get fat pants. [Isn’t the fat pants dog hilarious? Thank you Jardiland Light Biscuits!]

I have to get fat pants because I got hurt six months ago and haven’t exercised and also have lived in sweats and pajama pants for the last six months.

Interestingly, sweats and pajama pants are a lot more forgiving than jeans. Something that only really comes home after you try to stuff your fat little post injury size 6 bod into your skinny little pre injury bod size 2 jeans.

I could tell myself I will just exercise it off. But I need to leave the house one of these days before I exercise anything off and maybe not in sweats or pajamas.

Fat jeans are in the mail.

happy father’s day

June 21, 2015

 

This never gets old to me.

dad_moth

Happy Father’s Day.

 

story board whut?

June 17, 2015

 

I am always seeing these crazy story boards posted online by writers. They are very ordered and very detailed and very complex and to me look like time outlines for a NASA space mission or a chores list put up for a military camp.

Here is one of those crazy story boards:

Screen shot 2015-06-17 at 5.45.25 PM

Here is my story board:

max_story_board

I guess my story board should be embarrassed by the bigger more glamorous story boards but it isn’t. My story board says, Fuck off, it doesn’t do manual labor.

 

asian_girl

I have decided to be Asian.

There are good reasons for this.

I love white go go boots. All Asian girls look good in white go go boots.

I look like I am in costume when I wear white go go boots.

Asian girls can wear sweat shirts and hoodies and it looks like a fashion statement.

When I wear sweat shirts and hoodies, I look like an under dressed German tourist.

Asian girls can wear flat heeled sneakers and they look cute and adorable and like they have Cinderella feet.

When I wear flat heeled sneakers, I look short and like I have big feet.

I just don’t see anything going wrong with this plan. Also it is for fashion. You can’t argue with fashion, dammit!

 

 

candles

June 6, 2015

Screen shot 2015-06-06 at 8.43.48 AM

Lighting a candle or two.

Smooches.

donna the deer lady!

May 27, 2015

I figure everyone getting stormed out in Texas and places other could use a laugh about now.

Donna the Deer Lady is hilarious to me and just never gets old.

the platypus tree

April 9, 2015

 

tree_mystery

This tree is a physics dilemma. [Shut up, I like to make all things difficult math.] It is a freaking platypus tree. It has leaves from one tree, blossoms from another, and then it goes all Mars Asian appetizer pea pod spikes.

What the hell is this tree?

 

 

clear vs. the moon

April 7, 2015

 

Clear vs. The Moon

 

Clear is so not working out at the new place. I talked to a nice customer support rep online today who changed my account address and copied and pasted the site’s online trouble shooting advice into our chat window.

Thanks, Nomine M.

That didn’t fix a bad internet Clear signal I’ve been fighting since December that keeps getting worse. And that is with an extra boost from an Apple wireless base station I dug out that is the ONLY tenuous reason Clear is working intermittently at all now.

Ahhhh!

 


 

So, Clear’s out.

 


 

Clear being out means my internet options are —

Buy a new modem that works with an antennae and hope that will fix the Clear problem.

[I am skeptical. Clear recently got bought out by Sprint which was the beginning of the end for things Clear working. Also I hate Sprint they overcharged my elderly mother in nefarious ways once and wouldn’t fix it and made her cry.]

OR —

Pick between Grande, AT&T Uverse, or Time Warner Cable.

 


 

Time Warner Cable will never collect another dime from me. I hate Time Warner Cable like Billy Graham hates Satan.

That leaves, unless there is some godsend service I don’t know about, AT&T Uverse, or Grande.

 


 

Online reviews for Grande are wildly divergent. Some reviews are shaking tambourines shouting, Grande! Grande! Grande! Others are shouting, Burn in Hell, Grande! Grande! Grande!

The thing I keep reading in negative reviews that is consistent though is dead internet reception.

I can’t do that.

 


 

The building uses Uverse, which appears to always work and is my backup when Clear goes so toes up I can’t work in the apartment and have to hit the building’s lounge for a working signal.

AT&T also though wants long term contracts and hundreds of bucks in installation and other fees and every time I look at all the stuff AT&T wants I feel like I’m a Native American standing on New York shores and some oily European just off a wooden ship is handing me glass beads.

 


 

I just keep staring at it all thinking, Seriously?

A guy in 1969 could dial home from the moon, but in 2015 Clear can’t keep an internet signal up a few blocks from my apartment and it takes $300 bucks and a commitment longer than a Baptist wedding to get an AT&T signal?

 

 

no easter is complete

April 5, 2015

 

No Easter is complete without a return performance from my favorite Easter Bunny also there is no such thing as too much The Easter Bunny Hates You. Yay!

[Happy Easter everyone.]

 


 

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