July 26, 2016
Yoga Instructor: Your body will tell you what it needs.
Me: Beer. It’s definitely saying beer.
Yoga Instructor: Your body will tell you what it needs if your name is not Max.
July 24, 2016
A girl —
Standing in front of my balcony raises up her shirt to look at her stomach — a good bit above her stomach. When she drops her shirt she sees me.
“Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
“I’ve got no beads, sorry.”
“Ain’t that always the way.”
Her dog turns ten tomorrow. I wished her dog happy birthday.
July 10, 2016
This is the funnest most bestest movie review ever. And totally the kind of movie review I would write if I could write movie reviews. Which I can’t because if you do that everyone in Hollywood gets mad and you can never work again. Probably even posting THIS movie review will get me black listed somewhere.
[Shut up, Hollywood. It is funny.]
I saw Tarzan and this is my review after some wines
~ by Emily from the blog EmilyWrites
So I had wine and I am very tired and so I am a bit tipsy but I saw the Tarzan movie so I thought I’d give my honest review.
Excuse typos because you know, wines.
Ok so I don’t know what the plot is or who is in it other than Alexander Skarsgard and Alexander Skarsgard’s magnificent holy abs. I don’t know what the dialogue or acting is like or whatever.
But like 1/3 of the way in Alexander Skarsgard is going to fight a gorilla for some reason and he takes off his shirt and OMG LIKE I ACTUALLY GROANED LOUDLY.
He does not put his shirt back on for the whole movie.
And like The V. sweet mother Mary the V I am telling you. The v is worth $15. The V is worth so much I wanted to see the movie again straight afterward.
Did I say that he doesn’t put his shirt back on?
April 11, 2016
Friend: “I think your spirit animal might just be Harley Quinn.”
March 27, 2016
February 2, 2016
January 10, 2016
I just got a “don’t be so hard on yourself” comment on Facebook —
It was in response to the Duck Girl post. Which is supposed to be funny and IS tagged #humor btw. Jeez.
It’s a weird and totally aberrant response to a humorous post about a photo.
It’s been my job to objectively evaluate images of myself since I was a model in my teens. That hasn’t changed during acting, writing, or being in some odd way minimally a public figure.
[Yes that image above is me in my teens doing the modeling thing. Check out the goth hair. Yay!]
I don’t remember a photographer or agent ever, when we were evaluating shots and I said, “The lighting is amazing,” or, “It’s a terrible angle,” saying, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Who would say that, evaluating a photo? We weren’t talking about me. We were talking about photos.
Two kinds of people say “Don’t be so hard on yourself” when you’re talking about a photo.
Female “friends” who for some reason feel compelled to take horrible ugly photos of you and post them online. And if you object, say, “Oh don’t be so hard on yourself.”
[I wasn’t being on hard on myself, I was telling you that photo sucks don’t put it online.]
And men who think you could be an easy female mark and a little reverse bolstering might get them in.
[You’re not in, you’re weird and predatory and transparent and scary go away.]
Being hard on myself is me saying to myself, “Look at those marbled thighs for the love of Christ, Go to yoga!”
Saying, “The lighting and angles in that photo suck”?
That has nothing to do with me. That’s about a photo.
PS: I can kick bullshit “something is wrong with you” reverse psychology sash to the curb. I know I am beautiful on film — there’s a portfolio in a closet to prove it. I worry about the girls that don’t have that portfolio in the closet though. So know this:
Photographs are the way someone wants or chooses to see you. Not you. And —
Don’t spend time with people who take ugly photos of you and post them online and when you object? Say, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
January 10, 2016
*On the up side, though Duck Girl Max looks like she’s ready for a session with the What Not to Wear folks, she looks smarter than better lighting slightly fuzzy iPhone Max. So maybe it works out.
*Okay, it is not entirely the computer camera’s fault. I take the iPhone test photos before the first computer take. Ten takes later, I have stepped outside into Texas weather at least ten times for smokes, been distracted by stray dishes, decided one eyebrow is off, taken vitamins I forgot to take this morning, realized I forgot to pick up mail today, taken out the trash, decided I have to change shirts the collar is so wrong, erm, five or more times — there are reasons by the tenth take hair and lipstick are a little frazzled. But still!