I am studying the physics dilemma, no matter how many clothes I throw into the closet, every time I open the closet door, there is nothing in there to wear. It is maddening. It must be solved. I’ll get the Nobel Prize when I do. For sport, I climb the Eiffel Tower. And base jump off on rainy days. I am terrified of heights. And peaceful at sea. I work harder than Satan. I sleep later than God. On weekends I repair small toaster ovens for orphans. On holidays, I send Queen Elizabeth cards. I told my dogs they were adopted — and I got them used. They didn’t believe me. They said they had my eyes. When I am bored I teach dust bunnies to box. I give them names. And little outfits. I wrap all recyclables in Christmas paper. I put on pretty bows. I smoke like a chimney. I drink like a fish. I tell lies for a living. And the truth at home. I have pink dancing slippers — that I have never worn. And roller skates with fancy bows. I am good at big things. Like conquering the world. And lousy at little things. Like sitting on hold. I have always relied on the kindness of strangers. I believe in the Golden Rule. I believe in true love. And I believe tomorrow is another day.


49 Responses to “About”

  1. God, you’re beautiful!

  2. L. Monique said

    I believe this is one of the best abouts I’ve ever read. Absolutely wonderful… and to think, I haven’t even gotten to snoop around the site yet!

  3. You deserve and award or something…great writing, great voice, I’m going to pass your link along and spread the joy.

    Keep Up The Good Work
    Anita Marie

  4. Aw:) that was really nice.

  5. emperorbananaketchup said

    I should teach you the ways of the social ninja….

  6. Bernard said

    That was refreshing!

  7. intelomkar said

    you certainly deserve a nobel for writing :)

  8. Winluck said

    ‘Twas a beautiful window into your soul. Keep writing! I think you were born to do so : )

  9. “I told my dogs they were adopted — and I got them used. They didn’t believe me. They said they had my eyes. When I am bored I teach dust bunnies to box. I give them names. And little outfits.”

    All glib posturing aside: There is an absurd amount of disarming warmth, personality, and cleverness crammed into those few lines. Very revelatory.

  10. charitycase said

    Lovely to have found you…..!

  11. Loved your about. Feel like I have known you for a long time….

  12. Jagadish said

    Wow.. that is quite something you wrote About yourself

  13. Zack said

    One, that is a wonderfully creative “about” that I just read, the kicker though is when I scrolled down and saw your “people I like” column followed abruptly by” People Who Suck.” That was really, really funny. Kudos.

  14. deixis said

    stumbled upon your blog. it’s kind of a joy.

  15. Charlie said

    I would give you my opinion, but I’m not done judging you yet. It’s sad, really. Wait, strike that first comment. Let’s go with ‘I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be late to work today, as I’ve decided to keep reading.

    Your posts could bring back the term “neat-o”…

    …and that’s huge!

  16. In regards to the physics, it is a function of mass. What is happening is that as the clothes pile up, they create a dent in space-time. This creates an effect similar to a black hole. While black holes devour light and anything else, these clothes dents devour the appeal of clothing. As such, you find them less appealing. If this continues, the dent will expand and the fashion world will come to an end.

    Men like me won’t care, though. We grab what is closest to the front of the closet and figure that as long as everything is properly covered, it is good enough.

  17. But can ya do the Chattanooga choo-choo?

  18. behindblueeyez said

    Great description – I love the way you write.

  19. Brett said

    Can I go negative on you — you know, just to be different?

    A consistent foolishness is the mind of a little hobgoblin, after all.

  20. SolShine7 said

    I like your writing style.

  21. this is my newest favorite blog.

    what are you like in real life?

  22. ejalvey said

    December 21, ’06 I said you were beautiful. It was quite the crush.

    It’s been a while, and you’re still beautiful. I hope life has been treating you kindly.

  23. Stiletto said

    Okay so I’m daft at times.

    I just noticed you changed your header. Nice! Are those Chinese characters?

  24. max said

    That is the same header it has always been.

  25. Jesa said

    arrgh! Only I create adorable, yet functioning outfits for both my dustbunnies and my hair balls. They love tea parties, but aren’t partial to cucumber sandwiches. It alwats has to be be before 2. They love a good nap.

  26. Thank you… Very intriguing..

  27. Sub Rosa said

    I love you you you. you’re a surrealist puppy. i will complete for the nobel in physics with my dissertation on missing socks & discussing what do cats look at-really.

    yafunkybloggerya. Arms are for hugs.

  28. Hank M said

    Do you still teach classes at Gotham in NYC? I see you are on their faculty Web site.

  29. max said

    Yes but not in NY I am California based and teach online classes for Gotham.

  30. Hank M said

    Wow!!! That was really fast! :) Thanks! I live in NYC…but trying to figure out which screenwriting class to work into my schedule. I may have to do an online class.

  31. max said

    Visit the forum at this is not really a discussion area here.

  32. Its been a while since I never met you.
    Love your stuff too,


  33. Connie said

    I have the same dilema with clothes. My closet look like a tornado hit it. All these clothes and nothing to wear. Maybe i should clear the deck, wipe the slate clean, donate and start anew….nay too much work rebuilding it from the ground up. You are right about the Nobel Peace Prize for closets.
    You have a couple very clever creative great phrases, that I really like….
    “I work harder than Satan. Sleep later than God.” ain’t that the truth!!

  34. Veselina said

    i came across your blog, from some site dedicated to interior desig or similar, i belive.. I’m so glad i found it! haven’t seen something so entertaining in a long time, neither something i can relate to in such a’s gorgeous – your writing style, respect. And keep going, please!

  35. victor said

    you’re hott. love your blog.need more pics.
    thanx for the heads up on your girl Pj..hope for the best!!cya cya Vk@Nyte

  36. thefibitz said

    Hi there – I love your blog and would like to nominate it for the Versatile Blogger Award. Please see my wordpress ( site for details. Here are the rule for the Versatile Blogger Award:

    – Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post
    – Share 7 things about yourself
    – Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading
    – Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award

  37. Max said

    Thank you, I have not discovered 7 blogs recently though I have been working too hard and don’t really have the time to participate. I appreciate the thought though.

  38. jeanmalone said

    It is hard for me to imagine that it has been nine years since I found your blog when I wrote as “lulu malone” on Unknown Pundit. Those were the “Trenchdoc” days, and we had some camaraderie here and there, and you have always had my respect and appreciation. We have chatted here and there over the years, but I no longer have your email, hence my writing here. Feel free to delete if you like. I am writing now because I have a novel that was published that I think would make a hell of a good movie. And I am in the process of contacting Katheryn Bigelow to see if perhaps she would be interested in doing it (she is a friend of family). And I can think of no one I’d rather have convert it to a script than you. Is this the kind of thing you ever consider, or would ever be interested in doing? In all of your “spare time?” Lol. In any case, Happy New Year. I hope you are happy, well, and that your year will be the best one yet.

    Love, lulu

  39. Max said

    Hi, Lulu. Wow, it has been a long time. Congratulations on the novel. That is great. Thank you too for thinking of me for the adaptation. I do adaptations, but in my work time, not my spare time, and as work for hire. With adaptations, I don’t own rights to the work being adapted so can’t really do that on speculation.

  40. jeanmalone said

    Okay, that makes sense. I am not well informed in regards to such processes. And thank you.

    If one were to negotiate rights, would that be a viable option, or are we limited to straight up contracting? I love a good barter.

    Full rights have reverted back to me at this point, so I have room to work there.

  41. jeanmalone said

    Ha! I remembered that you inspired–our online “friendship” of our little icon selves–this poem–back in 2010.

    The Girl in the Tiny Picture

    You are a statue
    carved out of fortitude,
    delivered to us
    through a dark glass.
    We watch the intimacies
    that are shared
    like tiny sandwiches
    with tea,
    brought on a silver tray
    in the summer twilight as we all
    sit ocean-side.
    You serve us
    kindly, and with principles,
    aware all too often
    of the shortcomings
    and disappointments
    that are often left as tips.
    People pass by;
    we smile, unseen.
    Nodding together in a
    moment in time,
    as we watch,
    the clouds reach down
    and gather the rays of
    the setting sun in a gasp
    of forgiveness
    at its leaving us.
    They wrap tendrils of fingers
    around the radiant beams,
    painting the canvas before us
    with our dreams
    and our longings,
    mirroring our laughter that
    befalls us like the calm
    before the storm of tears,
    uniting us with a common
    thread, and restoring our
    smiles at the
    sharing of it.


  42. Max said

    Generally speaking, with a published novel, depending on who the publisher is and who negotiated rights, what would have sold would have been publication rights to the written work, stuff like North American serial rights and rights to negotiate for foreign publication rights and whatnot to the book, and the author would retain film rights. That’s not always the case, publishing houses got real greedy for a while and were trying to suck everything into a contract including digital rights and film rights. So some of that is in the fine print in a publication deal. But if all rights have reverted back to you, then you own film rights to the work.

    That means, anyone wishing to make a film based on the work has to negotiate with you for the film rights, and then pay a film writer to adapt the book. That’s where film packaging comes in. They are not likely to do it unless there are multiple entities committed to the project, because after they get a script they still have to find a cast and director to make it viable film project or they have book rights and a paid for script they can’t make into a movie. That’s where your friend the director would come into play, if she liked it and championed the project, there were be one more attachment in play suggesting the film is likely to be made.

    From a writer’s perspective? It’s not real smart to spend time and energy adapting a written work owned by an author instead of his or her own material because, the film writer doesn’t own the source material. If I write something that is my concept from scratch, I can take it out and sell it anywhere to anyone. I own it. It’s all mine. If I spend my time and energy adapting something you own the film rights too, I can’t. My work is contingent on your say so because you own the original source material. The script cannot be sold as my own property. I don’t own film rights to the story. So I’m basically tied up in something someone else owns and negotiations someone else can dictate or completely screw the pooch on if he or she is not familiar with Hollywood or the film industry even if a good deal comes along.

    Generally speaking with an adaptation, people pitch a film concept based on the book, a studio or production entity buys the rights to the book for the people who pitched it, and then pays a writer to adapt the book into a film script.

    There are a lot of other pieces in play. But one red flag there is you saying all rights have reverted to you. That means someone else had rights, did print runs, then let the book go out of print. From a commercial standpoint from the Hollywood suits’ perspective, that means the book doesn’t have a huge fan base that makes it worth a lot of money simply because that fan base will show up for it. Think Twilight. Huge seller, huge fan base, slapping that title on the movie guaranteed all those book fans would most likely show up to watch the movie. That’s often what makes book adaptations attractive to studios. If this book went out of print pretty fast? It doesn’t have that to bring to the studio table.

    There are a ton of elements in play with a deal for a book and its adaptation. I actually wrote a book on a lot of it and if you’re interested in understanding what you’re getting into you might want to pick it up, the digital version is ten bucks and it can’t hurt to know more about this than you do.

    Bottom line, it’s very bad business for me to work on speculation adapting something I don’t own the rights to because I can’t sell it. I don’t own it. Whereas writing something that’s mine free and clear because it’s my story and my invention? I can. Because that I own.

  43. jeanmalone said

    Thank you for all the excellent info, and I will be taking a look at your book (congrats on that!) I am not a biz sort of person, so yes, am completely blind in all of that. Obviously. So really, my best bet would be to learn from you how to write a screen play and adapt it myself it seems. Fair enough. We’ll see what I can do when! Of if I get rich, I will just hire you myself.

    Your the best…


  44. I would like to challenge a previous explanation about your physics dilemma that blamed the mass of your cloths on the mysterious disappearances – with a firmer grasp of reality (like what I have) its quite clearly down to washing machines – yes, washing machines! As they spin they create a rotating worm whole in space that takes all the odd socks. Often the worm whole passes through women’s closets on route and takes all the prettiest cloths – wormholes have been mathematically shown to be a bit pervy like that – I hope this helps – ps if you get your PhD and find the deposit of cloths please can you forward all the odd black socks back to me, thank you so much :)))) all the best, Chris

  45. Max said

    No way. All your socks are belong to us. Yay!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s