the return of murder, mayhem, sex, free beer!

June 17, 2013

 

Yeah yeah yeah —

I am a terrible blogger. I have been finishing a new book, editing a new edition, running a school, producing a film, but fuck that shit! It is time to blog!

 


 

MURDER, MAYHEM, SEX, FREE BEER!

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Past sins. That bitch is expensive.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Hahhahahahahahahha — oh sorry.

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
I do not want to be a grammar Nazi, but say, shouldn’t that be “to whom”?

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
My parents.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
I had two. The first I refer to as “She Who Devours First Graders.” The second I’ll just call Mrs. Smith.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Red hot weasel sex works for me.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Beautiful.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Three, unless you count Rice and LSU. But I wasn’t exactly matriculated at Rice and LSU. :::whistling:::

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
You call it a shirt. I call it an adventure.

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Oh they’re too low. I must pay more.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
New Zealand is looking better every day. Is that “take someone with you” a bribe?

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
It’s Sunday. I’m a writer. Alarm? Are you on crack?

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Please God let me sleep, please God let me sleep, please God let me sleep….

14. Favorite underwear?
The eggshell blue that matches my nail polish — hey wait a minute, fresh!

15. Favorite thing about the opposite sex?
The opposite sex and I are not getting on right now.

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Scrubbing the tub. No wait, scrubbing the toilet! No wait, scrubbing the tub! [There is not an old guy about to pull a lever and fling me off a bridge here for changing my mind is there?]

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
I already volunteer. Imagine the powers for good I could be strewing about if I did NOT have to work? [Send money now to the Let Max Work No More Fund at PO Box….]

18. Get up early or sleep in?
What is this sleep you speak of?

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Well me but I am a little self involved like that. Have you seen the Max Paper Doll?

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy /girl?
Listen you are going to have to pick a gender here because the answer is going to be VERY DIFFERENT depending on.

21. Have you found real love yet?
Next time that bastard Love shows up, I am tasering his ass first.

22. When did you first start feeling old?
I do not feel old. The knees feel old. But they were shot at birth.

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Unbaptized children. Medium rare. [Kidding! I don’t eat lunch.]

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
There is a Costco in Austin?

26. Beach or lake?
All bodies of water are good bodies of water.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Oh hell no, it’s a great ritual. The part that comes after is problematic….

28. Do you own property?
I own a ton of intellectual property but you are probably talking about real estate. How droll.

29. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
What about “wouldn’t want anyone to find out about” wasn’t clear?

31. What’s your drink?
Vodka, baby.

32. Cowboys or Indians?
That depends. Would the nice cowboys and Indians take off their shirts please?

33. Cops or Robbers?
We’re going to have to lose some shirts again here.

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
Am I driving a car or just sauntering down the street?

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
This falls under the “wouldn’t want anyone to find out about” header. Shut up! I forgot to change it! [Like anyone listens to radio instead of iTunes.]

36. Norm or Cliff?
Could we go back to the cowboys and Indians please? No no, don’t take the shirts off!

37. Grey’s or The Office?
You realize I do not have cable or a TV right? Okay there is a TV. In storage.

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Pick up the phone the day David died.

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
The computer and I are fine.

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Dorothy Parker. [You didn’t say alive, jeez, so many rules!]

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
You bring the latex and let’s figure it out as we go.

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Fire is pretty!

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Can blog posts be used in a court of law?

44. Last book you read?
Oh let’s not talk politics.

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
You know this is going up in public right? Bastard!

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
I brush my teeth like God intended — in my mouth.

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
Sorry, I have California covered. Pick another state?

48. Do you go to church?
I’ve been inside many churches and will be again. You have to get a little more specific there.

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
You say that like the two have anything in common.

50. How old are you?
Twelve. Maybe you should be wearing pants.

 


where that survey comes from:
that is from the ever brilliant miss r

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