letters from the ethos : apocalypse tuesday
July 3, 2007
They’ve banned fireworks in our hometown.
Insanity Jones, my cat that has this ritual where he attacks fireman when they’re around [I guess the 4Th Of July is sort of like a religious holiday to Insanity]. So, Insanity has been waiting by the fire hydrant and in the last couple of weeks every time he hears a snap, crackle and pop he gets all excited and starts running around in circles and purring so hard he starts to sneeze..
After a few of our Law Enforcement Types paid our neighborhood a visit I haven’t heard as much as a Pop-It go off.
Insanity is losing his will to live.
Today he slept on the sidewalk in front of the hydrant and my neighbor thought he was dead- so he poked him with a stick.
I thought that what Insanity did to that stick and my neighbor was so funny that I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe and I almost fainted. My husband had to pound me on the back and I sounded like a speed boat – which was so funny sounding that I kept laughing.
And he had to keep pounding me on the back.
I almost fainted and now one of my eyes is sort of crossed but I think it’ll be okay.
Now my neighbor is walking around his yard with a plastic squirt bottle full of vinegar and wants to know how long that crazy son of a bitch next door is going to live for-
I said that wasn’t a nice thing to say about a poor old cat who severely depressed and he said he was actually talking about me.
What should I do?
Concerned Pet Owner
Dear Concerned Pet Owner :
Set your neighbor’s house on fire.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
You too can write the blonde assassin
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blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com