kid max

February 3, 2007

kid maxBy the age of three, I was addicted to cigarettes, could happily live on sugar water, was adept at zipping down car windows to utter a string of invectives [along with hand gestures] at drivers in other cars, and had already achieved falling down drunk.

That is what I call early development.

My mother does not approve of my language, my soft drinks, any alcohol consumption, or my cigarettes.

This is of course the mother who smoked cigarettes while I was in the womb. [Get ‘em while they are young, that is my motto.] Gave me bottle after bottle of sugar water. Taught me by example how to curse out any driver foolish enough to cut her off on the road. [And only reconsidered that when I beat her to the window at age two.] And took me to my first wine tasting at age three – where I had my first sip of red wine, liked it a lot, asked for more, and promptly fell off my stool.

I still love merlot. I live on Coca Cola. I can, when the occasion calls for it – and sometimes when it does not – curse like a Turkish sailor. [I know all the hand gestures still too.] I smoke cigarettes. And I am not even sorry for doing it.

My only question is: Was anyone really expecting some other outcome here?


Okay, the attitude, that is just mine I arrived with that. But the rest of it? You are kidding, right?



27 Responses to “kid max”

  1. penseroso said

    Merlot rules.

  2. motherhooduncensored said

    so what you’re saying is I’d best stop giving my 6 month old cigarettes and red wine now or she will grow up to be a drinker and smoker?

    What about coffee? thats still allowed isn’t it?

  3. max said

    I do not know about coffee. I am not a big coffee drinker.

  4. michele said

    That is such a cute picture – I can not imagine that little girl hurling curses and hand gestures out the window.

  5. max said

    Well it was not 24/7 you know I did have charming moments too. Not much has changed either. I am a little taller. A little blonder. With a real sweet smile and a real wicked tongue if I get riled.

  6. Sophia said

    As far as I’m concerned, I love the attitude. It fits the smoking and Coke drinking perfect. Muah!

  7. you are my hero.
    In order to stunt my daughter’s growth I
    made repeated attempts at addicting my own child to beer and ciggies. At the age of 5 she rebelled. I am therfore continually buying her new clothes, food, skis and boots each year. The list just goes on.
    the ungrateful wretch.

    OMG I miss Merlot. My goal this year is to go off the wagon, give up the 10 year addiction to Nicorette and go back to my Players, and become the unhealthy punk girl I was used to be.
    Please have a glass (or 10) of the grape for moi.

  8. aj said

    This post is a like a list of everything Sophia cannot consume.

    I would normally say “poor Sophia” but she is a sassy little thing these days.

  9. max said

    Oh it is probably too late now Rachael she is in her teens but if you really want to stunt a kid’s growth you make the kid swallow a raw egg every morning. Something in raw eggs makes people short.

  10. aj said

    Could it be the constant vomitting?

  11. max said

    Eew. No vomit talk.

  12. Sophia said

    Just as I was about to say Aj is indeed my kindred spirit, there she goes and spoils it all. On the other hand, if she didn’t, it wouldn’t be Aj.

    Is it raw eggs, Max? I thought it was rotten cheese.

  13. max said

    I know with the Japanese Americans, they determined a big height increase between generations was because new generations stopping having a raw egg for breakfast. I do not know about rotten cheese. Eew.

  14. Those bouncing horses are a contributing factor to great attitudes.
    Cute photo.

  15. Sophia said

    What bouncing horses?

  16. max said

    I loved that bouncing horse.

    Wait. That sounds wrong.

  17. pooks said


    Love that picture.

    Good hair, too.

  18. Cute pic. I can totally see that kid cussin’ like a sailor, smokin’ up a storm, and polishing off a bottle of red in thirty minutes flat.

    We would’ve been best friends!

  19. I’m not sure if eggs rotten or otherwise have much to do with tall Japanese People…I’m half Filipina ( Dad is white…my Mom is Pacific Islander ) and I think that’s probably why at five-five I’m super model tall as far as my Mom’s family is concerned.

    I was never ” Max Cute ” though…geeze shouldn’t you have been on a Christmas Card?


  20. max said

    I wish I had had even had an inkling of how cute I was I so could have used that.

  21. My youngest Niece is Christmas Card Cute and she knows it and she’ll probably take the world over one day…either that or people will just hand it over.

    Its a win-win thing for her.

  22. Aw, inkling this, Max – you’re still cute! Use it NOW! Muhahaha!

  23. max said

    I always get that in hindsight. Like, Wow, look at that photo, I was pretty cute then wasn’t I? It never seems to stick during the present though. I should work on that.

  24. Technology will come up with something lol

  25. […] read Max, you’ll love her! My favorite post of hers changes all the time. I love Kid Max. Celluloid Blonde I have to say, with Max, Never Judge a Post by it’s Cover! The gold is in the comments (her […]

  26. Ilene said

    Smoking, drinking and cursing like a paratrooper? Ah, thank heaven for little girls.

    I was short, with curly blond hair, chubby after age 7 and shy. I would have been afraid of you, Max.

  27. max said

    People are still afraid of me Ilene. Not much has changed. [smile]

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