March 4, 2014
I had paper dolls when I was a kid.
I spent a lot of time with my grandmother.
I was dressing the paper dolls in ski clothes one day.
[It's not my fault, some sort of Sochi winter Olympics shit was going down.]
My grandmother said, “Yeah it’s easy to dress them in ski clothes when you’re sitting under the air conditioning vent.”
Then she laughed.
I don’t think anyone else got my grandmother’s laugh.
[It was summer in California.]
[In a drought year.]
[And fucking hot.]
[If The Onion had been around then? My grandmother would have fucking owned it.]
My grandmother loved dogs.
I miss her.
February 25, 2014
*For all my students who come out of :::classes:::
looking at old scripts with new eyes.
February 25, 2014
Apparently I have upset a bunch of “nice guys” by re-posting the David Wong essay and now they are gathered on another board dedicated to “no hate talk” calling me ignorant and stupid, among other things. Fun!
As long as people are all riled up though, here is Louis CK’s observations on women dating. [Louis CK is way more fun than a bunch of self proclaimed "nice guys" I don't know calling me an ignorant slut.]
February 20, 2014
February 17, 2014
A friend was reading the recent Max interview and said, That’s great, but when are you doing something live so I can see your face?
No live interviews any time soon but here is the face.
Also, here is a dog in goggles for the less easily entertained.
February 17, 2014
The article I’m about to point you to, 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person, really needs to be circulated, and circulated widely, for the benefit of men. I say “for men” because most women don’t actually need to hear it. Women, in general, have known for centuries you need to bring skills to a relationship. Those skills can be anything from cooking well to cleaning house well to raising children well to looking great to giving a really good blowjob, but when push comes to shove, those are all skills, and women have them, work at them, and know you have to have them.
The people who don’t appear to know you need to have them are men. Which is why you don’t see a bunch of women sitting around whining about how men don’t date nice women — but you see a crapload of guys sitting around whining saying just that: “Women don’t date nice guys.”
Putting aside the fact an awful lot of guys I have heard say that are actually shitheads and not “nice” at all, and the fact guys bitching about men with money getting all the dates — yes, that guy brings a skill to the table, he can take a woman to nice restaurants — or that men with looks get all the dates — that is another skill set, taking care of the bod and appearance, a skill set that is in large part lost on the male inhabitants of Austin, delicate cough — these guys seem to think being “nice” just means, well, you don’t black your girlfriend’s eye on Friday night.
Bad news guys. If the only skill set you bring to the relationship table is “I won’t give you a black eye,” you have a ways to go. So here for your benefit:
6 HARSH TRUTHS THAT WILL MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON
~ by David Wong
2014, motherfuckers. Yeah! LET’S DO THIS.
“Do what?” you ask. I DON’T KNOW. LET’S FIGURE THAT OUT TOGETHER, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Feel free to stop reading this if your career is going great, you’re thrilled with your life, and you’re happy with your relationships. Enjoy the rest of your day, friend, this article is not for you. You’re doing a great job, we’re all proud of you. So you don’t feel like you wasted your click, here’s a picture of Lenny Kravitz wearing a gigantic scarf.
For the rest of you, I want you to try something: Name five impressive things about yourself. Write them down or just shout them out loud to the room. But here’s the catch — you’re not allowed to list anything you are (i.e., I’m a nice guy, I’m honest), but instead can only list things that you do (i.e., I just won a national chess tournament, I make the best chili in Massachusetts). If you found that difficult, well, this is for you, and you are going to fucking hate hearing it. My only defense is that this is what I wish somebody had said to me around 1995 or so.
#6. The World Only Cares About What It Can Get from You
Let’s say that the person you love the most has just been shot. He or she is lying in the street, bleeding and screaming. A guy rushes up and says, “Step aside.” He looks over your loved one’s bullet wound and pulls out a pocket knife — he’s going to operate right there in the street.
“OK, which one is the injured one?”
You ask, “Are you a doctor?”
The guy says, “No.”
You say, “But you know what you’re doing, right? You’re an old Army medic, or …”
At this point the guy becomes annoyed. He tells you that he is a nice guy, he is honest, he is always on time. He tells you that he is a great son to his mother and has a rich life full of fulfilling hobbies, and he boasts that he never uses foul language.
Confused, you say, “How does any of that fucking matter when my [wife/husband/best friend/parent] is lying here bleeding! I need somebody who knows how to operate on bullet wounds! Can you do that or not?!?”
Now the man becomes agitated — why are you being shallow and selfish? Do you not care about any of his other good qualities? Didn’t you just hear him say that he always remembers his girlfriend’s birthday? In light of all of the good things he does, does it really matter if he knows how to perform surgery?
In that panicked moment, you will take your bloody hands and shake him by the shoulders, screaming, “Yes, I’m saying that none of that other shit matters, because in this specific situation, I just need somebody who can stop the bleeding, you crazy fucking asshole.”
February 16, 2014
February 15, 2014
[That is TracyMcMillan in a Ted Talk. Cool stuff.]
February 7, 2014
February 5, 2014
Just because it is fun and me and my friend Kim were goofing off with this idea over on Facebook, voila, Action Figure Max!
[Okay not really, that is really an action figure I lifted off the net and I will probably get sued, but close enough yay!]
PS: If that is not all self absorbed enough for you, do not miss the :::Max Pop Queen Paper Doll::: [Oh quit it, I must amuse myself somehow]