i have to post this

April 19, 2014





March 22, 2014


german_shep_pupI’m on the balcony —

Having a smoke. There’s a small thump to my right. I look right, see nothing. I look up. There is a German Shepherd puppy on a third floor balcony with perked earls looking down at me intently.

I think it’s a German Shepherd puppy. It’s getting dark but the outline of those ears are kind of hard to mistake even if it is dusk. And definitely a puppy.

Then I know “what” to look for.

The tennis ball is lying on the ground right between our balconies.




I said I’d be back “tomorrow.”

Which is, um, “today.”


Here is a cute sheep photo for your viewing pleasure.


the face

February 17, 2014


A friend was reading the recent Max interview and said, That’s great, but when are you doing something live so I can see your face?

No live interviews any time soon but here is the face.




Also, here is a dog in goggles for the less easily entertained.






This is so cool and hilarious.

“Joshie” is a toy giraffe a little kid left at a Ritz-Carlton in Florida.

Joshie is also the kid’s favorite toy.

[Uh ohs.]

So Dad calls the Ritz-Carlton, pretty sure this is going to go very wrong —

But it doesn’t.

Joshie is fine AND the Ritz-Carlton peeps cover for Dad’s story Joshie is “taking a second vacation” by creating a photo album of Joshie’s second vacation and sending it back with Joshie when they send Joshie home.

This is one of the photos:

Joshie Receives a 5 Star Massage in the Spa

Joshie Receives a 5 Star Massage in the Spa


:::CLICK HERE::: to see the rest of Joshie’s epic vacation album.





I would like to say :::Lizard on the Doorstep::: is the only chance encounter I have had with an inanimate object in which I mistook an inanimate object for an immediate threat of the antisocial animal variety.

This would not be true.



Age 7: When asked to take the trash out after dark, mistook a discarded chair and couch in the dumpster for bears.

Age 8: When crawling under house foundation [don't ask, it is an eight year old thing] mistook mattress entrails for pack of attacking tarantulas.



[One reason my step-father will always be endeared to me is, he returned from each above emergency site saying things like "they did look like bears" and "that did look like a herd of attacking tarantulas."]

[Also he was totally right they did.]



Flash to Now: Going out onto balcony after dark for a smoke, mistook oak leaf of unusual size for alligator lizard.



In my defense, there have been a LOT of incidents that totally did involve living creatures of questionable hospitality:

:::Playing Chicken With the Bear:::

:::Red Racer:::

:::Duct Tape is My Friend:::



Also in my defense I have had a lot of non-reported antisocial animal encounters:

•Swarmed by usually-brine-shrimp-eating-not-max-eating spiders at the Greater Salt Lakes —

[I hope never again to find myself stripping on a public boating dock shouting, "Hit me with the hose!"] —

•Attacked by an innocuous twig that wrapped around my ankle and tried to bite me —

[yes, snakes do fly] —

•Escaped 350+ pound pigs trying to eat me —

[technically that was a lot my fault I should not have been in the pigs' yard on that farm but still, death by 300 pound pigs does not look good on a tomb stone] —

•Chased by an antisocial goat —

[yeah yeah yeah everything trying to hit you with horns looks big and aggressive when you are three but still, mental scars, people, mental scars!]

•There was a standard poodle who lived in a house on the way to school when I was in first grade and that damn poodle chased my bike every day on the way to school —

[I have a scar on my wrist still from the day my bike's chain fell off changing gears and that damn poodle finally caught me and took me down.]

[Also, no matter how many times your kid mistakes couches in the dumpster for bears after dark, (ONE TIME!), maybe listen when your kid tells you every day a dog is attacking her on the way to school --- that works out better than the day the school nurse calls saying your kid is all messed up from a bike crash and dog attack.]



TALLYING UP THE LIST here as well as events to remain unmentioned [yes unmentioned and they will REMAIN UNMENTIONED TOO] I’m going to say there were more antisocial animal encounters than inanimate object encounters.

Also that oak leaf of unusual size totally had it coming.





lizard on the doorstep

November 16, 2013


dragon_skull_smWhen confronting —

An unusually large lizard on the doorstep when opening the balcony door at night:

Rule #1: Block entry because once the lizard is inside, it is going to be hell to catch and put outside again.

Rule #2: If you have spent any formative years in alligator lizard country and are wearing only socks when facing off with a lizard on the doorstep and that lizard is six inches long and two to three inches in girth, Rule #1 changes to “give the lizard the immediate right of way” because any alligator lizard that BIG can sever a toe or Achilles tendon if you are unwary enough to stick your little sock clad foot in front of his face.

Rule #3: Rules #1 and #2 do no apply if you are actually facing off in the dark with an oak leaf of unusual size.



PS: In the dark oak leaves of unusual size totally look like ginormous lizards. Also there is a house key in there for scale you doubters.





mr. butts

November 9, 2013


mrbutts_cbIs it —

Amazing I still have this photo? That is Mr. Butts in his rocket pack. Originally he had a globe helmet he wore for the movie but the helmet photos were too smoky for the magazine so we gave him a space hat and put his space pack on him to shoot these for the Dog Fancy article.

I am holding anchovi pizza off camera to get this pose [every dog has his weakness] while Fabiana Cesa who I went to film school with and who is great with a camera shoots the pictures.


Mr. Butts was a major player in Plan 10 From Outer Space directed by Trent Harris starring Karen Black which I crewed on in college.


There is an entire Dog Fancy article and also a Cinefantastique article on Mr. Butts [yeah yeah yeah, you didn't think I was paying tuition in college?] if I get time I will put them up and link them in. For now, you just get the really sweet dog. Also, the “Holy Mother of Christ, no tongue, Mr. Butts!” story is not currently online. But could be. If you ask nice.


i regret nothing!

November 8, 2013



I just really like this photo.



squirrel_banjoThere is a knock on the door.

It is the balcony door and the balcony is several feet off the ground and also barricaded so not a normal entrance way.

I open the door.

It is the squirrel.


I think maybe I’m not ready to get quite this close to the squirrel so I close the door and give him some space.


The next time I open the balcony door, there is a ginormous acorn on the door step.


There are two ways to interpret this:

One: A ginormous acorn fell on the balcony and the squirrel was on his way to retrieve it when I rudely interrupted him by opening the door.

Two: The squirrel left me a present.


Who knew squirrels were so romantic?


PS: Because I know at least half the people out there — and probably more — think I am overly imaginative and make this stuff up to be whimsical, here is a photo of the ginormous acorn the squirrel left me as a present. (It is next to a lighter too for scale.)



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