December 2, 2013
This is so cool and hilarious.
“Joshie” is a toy giraffe a little kid left at a Ritz-Carlton in Florida.
Joshie is also the kid’s favorite toy.
So Dad calls the Ritz-Carlton, pretty sure this is going to go very wrong —
But it doesn’t.
Joshie is fine AND the Ritz-Carlton peeps cover for Dad’s story Joshie is “taking a second vacation” by creating a photo album of Joshie’s second vacation and sending it back with Joshie when they send Joshie home.
This is one of the photos:
:::CLICK HERE::: to see the rest of Joshie’s epic vacation album.
November 17, 2013
I would like to say :::Lizard on the Doorstep::: is the only chance encounter I have had with an inanimate object in which I mistook an inanimate object for an immediate threat of the antisocial animal variety.
This would not be true.
Age 7: When asked to take the trash out after dark, mistook a discarded chair and couch in the dumpster for bears.
Age 8: When crawling under house foundation [don't ask, it is an eight year old thing] mistook mattress entrails for pack of attacking tarantulas.
[One reason my step-father will always be endeared to me is, he returned from each above emergency site saying things like "they did look like bears" and "that did look like a herd of attacking tarantulas."]
[Also he was totally right they did.]
Flash to Now: Going out onto balcony after dark for a smoke, mistook oak leaf of unusual size for alligator lizard.
In my defense, there have been a LOT of incidents that totally did involve living creatures of questionable hospitality:
Also in my defense I have had a lot of non-reported antisocial animal encounters:
•Swarmed by usually-brine-shrimp-eating-not-max-eating spiders at the Greater Salt Lakes —
[I hope never again to find myself stripping on a public boating dock shouting, "Hit me with the hose!"] —
•Attacked by an innocuous twig that wrapped around my ankle and tried to bite me —
[yes, snakes do fly] —
•Escaped 350+ pound pigs trying to eat me —
[technically that was a lot my fault I should not have been in the pigs' yard on that farm but still, death by 300 pound pigs does not look good on a tomb stone] —
•Chased by an antisocial goat —
[yeah yeah yeah everything trying to hit you with horns looks big and aggressive when you are three but still, mental scars, people, mental scars!]
•There was a standard poodle who lived in a house on the way to school when I was in first grade and that damn poodle chased my bike every day on the way to school —
[I have a scar on my wrist still from the day my bike's chain fell off changing gears and that damn poodle finally caught me and took me down.]
[Also, no matter how many times your kid mistakes couches in the dumpster for bears after dark, (ONE TIME!), maybe listen when your kid tells you every day a dog is attacking her on the way to school --- that works out better than the day the school nurse calls saying your kid is all messed up from a bike crash and dog attack.]
TALLYING UP THE LIST here as well as events to remain unmentioned [yes unmentioned and they will REMAIN UNMENTIONED TOO] I’m going to say there were more antisocial animal encounters than inanimate object encounters.
Also that oak leaf of unusual size totally had it coming.
November 16, 2013
An unusually large lizard on the doorstep when opening the balcony door at night:
Rule #1: Block entry because once the lizard is inside, it is going to be hell to catch and put outside again.
Rule #2: If you have spent any formative years in alligator lizard country and are wearing only socks when facing off with a lizard on the doorstep and that lizard is six inches long and two to three inches in girth, Rule #1 changes to “give the lizard the immediate right of way” because any alligator lizard that BIG can sever a toe or Achilles tendon if you are unwary enough to stick your little sock clad foot in front of his face.
Rule #3: Rules #1 and #2 do no apply if you are actually facing off in the dark with an oak leaf of unusual size.
PS: In the dark oak leaves of unusual size totally look like ginormous lizards. Also there is a house key in there for scale you doubters.
November 9, 2013
Amazing I still have this photo? That is Mr. Butts in his rocket pack. Originally he had a globe helmet he wore for the movie but the helmet photos were too smoky for the magazine so we gave him a space hat and put his space pack on him to shoot these for the Dog Fancy article.
I am holding anchovi pizza off camera to get this pose [every dog has his weakness] while Fabiana Cesa who I went to film school with and who is great with a camera shoots the pictures.
Mr. Butts was a major player in Plan 10 From Outer Space directed by Trent Harris starring Karen Black which I crewed on in college.
There is an entire Dog Fancy article and also a Cinefantastique article on Mr. Butts [yeah yeah yeah, you didn't think I was paying tuition in college?] if I get time I will put them up and link them in. For now, you just get the really sweet dog. Also, the “Holy Mother of Christ, no tongue, Mr. Butts!” story is not currently online. But could be. If you ask nice.
November 8, 2013
October 23, 2013
It is the balcony door and the balcony is several feet off the ground and also barricaded so not a normal entrance way.
I open the door.
It is the squirrel.
I think maybe I’m not ready to get quite this close to the squirrel so I close the door and give him some space.
The next time I open the balcony door, there is a ginormous acorn on the door step.
There are two ways to interpret this:
One: A ginormous acorn fell on the balcony and the squirrel was on his way to retrieve it when I rudely interrupted him by opening the door.
Two: The squirrel left me a present.
Who knew squirrels were so romantic?
PS: Because I know at least half the people out there — and probably more — think I am overly imaginative and make this stuff up to be whimsical, here is a photo of the ginormous acorn the squirrel left me as a present. (It is next to a lighter too for scale.)
September 27, 2013
June 5, 2013
Who walks her two dogs down the path outside. She is little, about 5’3″. With long straight dark hair, a very white smile, and an hour glass figure a little over what Victoria Secret hires for.
The dogs are small dogs, black, about 20 pounds each. One is Poodle, one is Terrier.
The dogs were not sure about me and gave me the eagle eye when we first met. One barked. The Poodle, not the Terrier. But they decided they like me. Now they do the dog grin at me.
The girl is really sweet, and not American at all. Americans have these communication rules about insincere greetings. When someone says how goes it or what’s new, people say “fine” or “things are good.” They don’t really answer. They give the polite programmed response. It is a thing.
My small dogs friend doesn’t talk that way. When she stops and I ask some small polite question, she really answers. And tells me stories. About her day, her weekend, what just happened that is news.
I wonder whether this is cultural or she is lonely. I am not sure. But we talk.
It always makes my day more interesting.
Then I wonder whether that is cultural or I am lonely.
I will be moving soon.
I will miss the girl with two dogs.
May 28, 2013
May 4, 2013
I know, I have been totally neglecting you.
Sorry about that.
Here are polar bears and dogs playing to make it up to you: