letters from the ethos : mongoose monday
October 6, 2008
Dear Blonde Assassin —
Isn’t the power of the Internet, that wonderful series of tubes [maybe copper….maybe PVC] an amazing thing? I came across you as you left a comment on a WordPress blog of which I follow quite regularly. Your comment was actually a response to my comment, which led me to follow your link and….well….here we are!
Naturally I looked around your site being certain to check the About page as I’m always curious as to what folks say about themselves. Some are so incredibly dull and unimaginative. I often wonder if it is worthwhile to even bother looking over the rest of their site, regardless of what it is, if their About page is boring. What could they possibly create of note or merit [or fun] if they cannot be imaginative about…..well….about their About page, right?
When I went to your Letters page I was expecting it to contain letters that had been sent to you. Imagine my surprise. But also imagine my joy to discover both a sense of humor and a directive for me to do something and with a veiled threat thrown in just for good measure. Joy and rapture. Yep. Joy and rapture.
But you know what sucks? The command to be funny. I think I’m funny. I think I have a great sense of humor. Other folks have even been so kind as to say such. But I find it difficult, nay, almost impossible to be funny on command. Even with such a threat as yours I can’t find it within me to be funny on my own. I’m not a stand-up sort of person. No. I need a partner in comedy. They can play the part of the straight man, if you will, or also be the funny person, but I need that other person or persons off of which to bounce and work my sense of humor. Otherwise I would be very happy to provide you with comedic relief, but as I have explained it is very unlikely under these circumstances.
So I guess it really isn’t your command to be funny that sucks, but it is I that sucks.
Shit.
Best regards,
Fork Boy
Dear Fork Boy :
Do not quit your day job.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
Dear Blonde Assassin —
I prolly would if I knew who the heck they were [1]. Plus you shouldn’t be so darn sensitive as I was only sharing my crazy brained thoughts [2] and I know you are not responsible for the trash spewed from the Hollywood monster but I needed to vent and now I have and I feel better, well I did til I got this [that would be the aforementioned affable humorous and nicer than you deserved post right?]. Anyhoo thought you wanted a letter [3] so quit bitchin and say thanks.
Cleonie Boyd
Dear Cleonie Boyd :Thanks.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
[1] Pat Conroy and Larry McMurtry.
[3] Less caffeine, more pink pills.
You too can write the blonde assassin
Send email to :
blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com
where the art work comes from :
that is stamped mail by drewish
letters from the ethos : telekinetics tuesday
August 5, 2008
Dear Blonde Assassin —
They’ve banned Fireworks in my home town again.
No fireworks means no risk of small fires.
That means no Firemen for my Insanity In Training Cat to attack.
I am so depressed.
Any suggestions?
Yours Truly
The Dark Invader
Dear Dark Invader :
You do not need fireworks to cause small fires.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
Dear Blonde Assassin —
I’m considering eliminating an opponent for purely non-political reasons [said person cannot survive on wits alone] and I’d like some feedback on my choice of method.
I happen to have single–strand piano wire and one–inch birch dowel on hand, which would be suitable for an effective garrote, but I’m also slightly charmed by an old illustration of a number 9 spring–knacker bear trap fixed to a length of two–by–four, locked open and used as a club with the step–plate on the club’s sweet spot.
Or should I use a camper’s cable saw to relieve said person of the burden of their upper sensory complex and leave it on the sidewalk as a red herring for an imaginary psychopatic killer suspect?
Yours truly,
FFE
Dear FFE :Chainsaws are fun for the whole family.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
Dear Blonde Assassin —
How many angels would fit on the head of a pin? Does it matter if they’re naked? How much space could be saved if they all disrobed, leaving them bare, with sinewy muscles exposed to prying eyes, little beads of sweat dripping down the smalls of their backs, sensual rivulets flowing toward their perfectly shaped little buttocks and sensual legs…
Uh sorry. I got distracted there.
So, what’s your favorite flower?
Anonymously,
Angel Perv
Dear Angel Perv :Orchids.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
Dear Blonde Assassin —
At what point does erotica become porn? Does it matter? Which is better?
And what’s with the braille on the Drive Thru ATM? That’s kind of scary to me.
Yours Anonymously,
Elle Beinaj
Dear Elle Beinaj :Erotica becomes porn at 3 PM. That is happy hour you know.
Also Braille on an ATM is not so scary but those parking spaces marked with white curb paint are.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
You too can write the blonde assassin
Send email to :
blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com
where the art work comes from :
that is stamped mail by drewish
while i am carousing
June 28, 2008
Say, while —
I am carousing.
Write me something pithy. I cannot be witty and pithy all on my own all the time here you know — especially with the hangover I am planning to have — attempt to contribute here.
*write the blonde assassin at blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com*yes that is a real email address
*pretty clever stacking the que huh?
assassin mail
June 17, 2008
Um. There was a —
Small accident with blonde assassin mail and blonde assassin letters that were going to go up here got disintegrated.
Oops.
If you sent a letter, well, sorry, that is gone. Do not despair though. Just write a new letter.
[Wow, how easy is that? I am such a solver.]
Say, in the interests of fun though, could the letters maybe not be about things political? I am trying not to go there.
Love and Kisses,
Your [Ash] Blonde Assassin
*you too can write the blonde assassin just send email to blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com
letters from the ethos : tuxedo tuesday
March 4, 2008
Dear Blonde Assassin —
I like the idea of your having a church, and I want it to succeed. However, if you want people to come to your church, you’re going to have to spice it up a bit. People are tired of boring churches.
With that in mind, I have a few suggestions.
What’s up with the lame church name? I know this chick [who is not me but some chick named JanieBelle who you've never heard of] who’s going to call her church “The Church of the Kneeling Virgin.” That is a cool church name. It might be a little confusing for 90 year old Catholic ladies who accidentally wander in, but I think they might enjoy the service anyway.
I don’t think they’ll approve of the communion ceremony though. At least not at first.
Anyway, “The Church of Max’s Tragically Bereft Stove” is pretty lame because it doesn’t have any double entendre possibilities. You might as well call it “Max’s Really Lame Church That Has No Sexual Innuendo In Its Name.”
I’ve tried to think of one, but I can’t come up with any good ones. I’ll get back to you on that.
Plus, instead of advertising for bingo, you could put some fun back in church. Add a bar in the vestibule and a card table in the choir loft. Then advertise them with one of those church signs out front that says, “Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.”
Hope this helps.
Anonymously,
Elle Beinaj
P.S. Wear the nun outfit.
Anonymously,
Elle Beinaj
Dear Elle Beinaj :
You are a genius. “Max’s Really Lame Church That Has No Sexual Innuendo In Its Name” is perfect. Yay!
Also, Father Patrick says if you do not show for confession this week he is sending the altar boys after your ass. I would show if I were you. Those altar boys are burly. Also Father Patrick says wear panties this time.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
Dear Blonde Assassin —
How are things since — wait, you won’t reply because you are too
busy watching Dexter.Never mind.
Jane
MARKETING CBS
Dear Jane From Marketing :
I am sorry I cannot reply to your email right now I am too busy shuffling my Netflix cue to bring Dexter closer to the top if I do not there will be riots in Australia. But say, what do you think about “Max’s Really Lame Church That Has No Sexual Innuendo In Its Name” for a church name?
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
You too can write the blonde assassin
Send email to :
blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com
where the art work comes from :
that is stamped mail by drewish
letters from the ethos : saturday’s child
February 23, 2008
Dear Blonde Assassin —
Did you get laid under the moon during the eclipse?
If not, why not?
If so, when are you posting the explicit photos with graphic detail?
I’d hate to miss those.
Signed,
Hopeful Romantic
Dear JanieBelle —
Wait, back up. I mean, um —
Dear Hopeful Romantic :
Tragically I had such a spectacular accident with six inch heels during the eclipsed moon I am currently restrained by court order from releasing photos [which were only possible using a whole bunch of mirrors and ultra light photography --- did I get that right? --- yet somehow some way those photos got taken --- neighbors they can be so crafty and helpful during legal proceedings don'tcha know and especially when they have telescopes who knew?] but as soon as I get that court order restraining thingamajig lifted, I promise, you get photos first.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
You too can write the blonde assassin
Send email to :
blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com
where the art work comes from :
that is stamped mail by drewish
letters from the ethos : wednesday’s child
February 20, 2008
Dear Blonde Assassin —
If the rumors are true, and the WGA strike is nearly over, then we should expect a return of pseudo-quality to the airwaves soon.
What three current shows would you put at the top of your assassination list?
[Personally, I'd axe a few reality shows and anything that gets compared to "Sex in the City."]
And what would you replace them with?
Just curious,
Itchy McTriggerfinger
Dear Itcy McTriggerfinger :
As you know, I have to work in this town. Therefore I can only regard your question as a cheap cinematic trick meant to lure me into incriminating myself within the body of my peers and being ostracized — and unemployable — forever more.
Damn you Itchy McTriggerfinger!
I say damn you!
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
You too can write the blonde assassin
Send email to :
blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com
where the art work comes from :
that is stamped mail by drewish
where are the letters?
February 10, 2008
Damn you people —
Where are the LETTERS?
Here I am all alone with a hostile computer and no letters. What, do you think I can be pithy in a vaccuum?
Send letters damn you.
*letters go to : blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com
*note, sincerity will be mocked
letters from the ethos : mayhem monday
October 22, 2007
Dear Blonde Assassin —
Today my husband opened up our fridge and saw that I had stocked up on eggs….lots and lots of eggs.
And then he saw the toilet paper…lots and lots of toilet paper in the hall closet.
I said it was all on sale so I just stocked up.
I almost had him sold until he found my stash of silly string and my brand new Halloween mask [rotted corpse with the missing eye] under our bed.
I’ve been busted…what should I do?
The Worried Dark Invader
Dear Dark Invader :
Take off your clothes.
[No not for me --- fresh! --- for the husband it will distract him.]
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
You too can write the blonde assassin
Send email to :
blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com
where the art work comes from :
that is stamped mail by drewish
letters from the ethos : knights templar wednesday
August 15, 2007
Dear Blonde Assassin —
It’s come to our attention after reading your new bio that you owe us back dues.
We are dispatching a courier to facilitate prompt payment.
Sincerely,
The Knights Templar
Dear Knights Templar :
Stand in line you cheese hounds.
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
[ps : the courier fell in the shower]
Dear Blonde Assassin —
Re : Friends of Max and Cow — The Fan Site
It has been close to two years since I first met Max and Cow. A meeting I remember fondly as I was overwhelmed by this video series of adventure, suspense and whole lotta mooing.
The first two videos were action packed and filled with nostalgic music that would make grandma get up and kick her heels. So naturally, in expectation of video three, I pressed those three important buttons “2” “0” “0” on my microwave oven and sat back patiently and let the popping built the mood.
Sitting back down in front of my screen, bag ‘o microwave popcorn in hand, I pressed PLAY.
No music. No fancy little flash antics. No mood. Thank fuck there was mooing!
Please, as a producer and star of such a high budget series like Max and Cow, do your fans at “Friends of Max and Cow” a favour and complete this series.
Nathanial Grizwaldden
Executive Director
Friends of Max and Cow
Dear Nathanial :
You just want to see me crying in my beer over flash frenzy, right?
Love and Kisses,
The Blonde Assassin
You too can write the blonde assassin
Send email to :
blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com
where the art work comes from :
that is stamped mail by drewish
