welcomeMax’s Good Hostess Checklist:

  1. Stock some sort of breakfast snack. In fact, stock some sort of food, period.
  2. Capture the prehistoric bug in the bathroom I have an armistice with. “Here Godzilla! Here Godzilla! Come to Max! Pay no attention to the super sized Tupperware container I am hiding behind my back….”
  3. Stock enough coffee beverages I will not have impulse to attack guest with sharp objects for cutting into Max coffee rations.
  4. Dust off the real toothpaste. [Others apparently do not tolerate baking soda tooth shenanigans well. This was brought to my attention when one house guest screamed and started foaming at the mouth.]
  5. Wash towels in laundry [and also washcloths]. Apparently linens growling and levitating are disturbing to guests.
  6. Stock some primary beverage other than Diet Coke? [Surely not, who in their right mind does not rely on Diet Coke as a primary source of hydration?]
  7. Bleach purple shampoo rings out of bathtub.
  8. Check stored sheets and pillows for “air fresh” quality. [Wash if “air fresh” quality went south in 2012.]
  9. Do dust bunny check. [Not everyone gives dust bunnies nicknames and cute outfits and stages wrestling matches.]
  10. Double check refrigerator for mystery alien visitors. [Some people whimsically refer to those visitations as “vegetables gone bad” but I cannot be fooled, THOSE are alien life forms.]

 

tax frenzy

October 12, 2014

tax frenzy at casa max

 

I’m in full tax meltdown. This happens every October when I spend the first two weeks of October stumbling about trailing bits of tax documentation and math flotsam, guzzling coffee and muttering “We’re all going to die.”

 

Whoah. This is a little dark. Everyone else was getting too much partying in the 60’s or whatnot so I was NOT expecting this.

 

How You Died In a Past Life -- WWII

 

That’s a Buzzfeed Quiz.  I’m not going to tell you about WWII dreams I’ve had since I was two.  Go take the quiz.  It should be fun.  [or creepy, but let's go with fun]

 

How Did You Die in Your Past Life? — Buzzfeed Quiz http://ow.ly/CqhY4

 

the value of joy

October 3, 2014

 

raccoon-holding-cat_200_cbSometimes I post —

A photo or story on Facebook that to me is —

Just fucking awesome and funny and intriguing and I don’t care if it’s true or not.

A raccoon carrying a kitten meme?

That to me is hilarious and wonderful. Yay!

 


 

Then —

Someone shows up.

“Oh that’s totally photoshopped.”

Or,

“Oh that’s totally not true here are 50 facts from the table of elements to prove that is wrong.”

 


 

I sit there stunned.

[And not for the right reasons, you robotic asshole fact checkers.]

 


 

Some things in this world and on the internet are just funny and wonderful and don’t have to make sense. A meme of a raccoon carrying a kitten will not make a single difference in wars or deaths or school lunches for little kids who will starve to death if the little kids don’t get those lunches —

But that meme will, for a moment, make me smile.

 


 

Stop trying to kill the smiles, you assholes.

 

Sometimes that is all we have.

 

 

men hitting women

 

FOUR GOOD REASONS FOR A MAN TO HIT A WOMAN
~ by Troy Dunn

Lately, there has been much discussion about violence against women by the men in their life. Many have said there is never a good reason for a man to strike a woman but I disagree and today I am speaking out! I have six sons and I have taught them what my father taught my brothers and I: there are four good reasons for a man to hit the woman he loves;

1. Fire. If you look over at the woman you love and discover flames have overtaken your girl, you should absolutely knock her to the ground and start rolling her around.

2. Spider. If your princess discovers a spider wandering across her shoulder and with sheer terror in her voice says “GET. IT. Off! You should smack that 8 legged sucker right off of her.

3. Choking. If over dinner she begins to laugh at another one of your amazingly funny stories and in the process, lodges a bit of her steak in her throat, you have my full support to yank her out of her chair, spin her around and start squeezing her beneath her rib-cage until she spits up!

4. Train. If, while enjoying a peaceful, after dinner walk with your lover, you notice she has wandered into the path of a quickly approaching oncoming train, by all means, grab her by her arm and like the strong man you are, yank her backwards aggressively.

 


Max Note: Cardiac arrest might go on that list too. You know if your love’s heart stops and you want to get it going again it might be okay to smack that heart back to attention. This is also though the best way to commit murder in public, knock someone down and keep whacking them in the chest while shouting “Live dammit live!” So it’s kind of suspect.

 

screenplay contest despair

September 9, 2014

 

vogue_1950

I’ve got writers flipping out over not placing in the Austin Film Festival screenplay competition.

Seriously?

Just stop it.

 


 

THE PURPOSE OF SCREENPLAY COMPETITIONS IS GET READS AND GET SOLD AND GET THE MOVIE MADE.

 


 

Do you need to win a competition to get a script read, a script sold, or a movie made?

 


 

NO

 


 

 

crucifiction

 

I stopped over on ScriptChat tonight.  It’s a Twitter thing, everyone hits one website [the ScriptChat website] and then chats it up and the site automatically adds a hashtag, #scriptchat to the conversation. Which all plays out on Twitter like Twitter comments.

 

[If you are not on Twitter, that will all be Mars speak to you.  Sorry.  Maybe you should get out more.  Hmm.]

 

Sometimes there are guests.  I have been a guest. This scriptchat there was no topic or guest, but I had a Sunday night off and thought I’d go see what people were talking about.

 

They were talking about “prep work.”

 

Oh sweet Holy Fucking Jesus.  Seriously?  Prep.  Work?

 

Okay, creatives, let me put this plainly and succinctly.  Artists and writers do not do “prep work.” 

 
Busboys and busgirls in restaurants do “prep work.”  Lower level chefs do “prep work.”  8 AM bartenders do “prep work.”  Folding napkins, polishing silverware, slicing up limes?  That’s “prep work.”
 
Screenwriters?
 
Screenwriters don’t do fucking “prep work.”
 

 

this is adorable

August 23, 2014

 

push_up_dan_post_photo

 

The PushUp peeps posted a photo of everyone at PushUp waving to the AFW peeps.  That is adorable and hilarious to me.

Don’t know what I am talking about?  I will assume you have been in a monastery in Tibet under a vow of silence.  Hey, welcome back!  Go check out :::what I am talking about:::

 

morally ambiguous honey badger

where that morally ambiguous honey badger comes from:
that is from redwombatstudio.com

Gotta Love the Oatmeal

August 4, 2014

todolist

Gotta love The Oatmeal.

Meanwhile, what should you be doing?

Checking out these bad ass posts. Doy.

–>South Park Writers Share Their Writing Rule #1

–>5 Instant Script Fixes

–>Authorial Intrusion is Your Friend

 


[you can even wear your underwear when you do it]

 

 

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