February 4, 2014
[This survey swiped liberally and without apology because I am just like that from Rachel.]
1. Do you like anyone? Oh yes, madly. Say what’s the polite time limit on tossing possessions an ex left at your place?
2. Do they know it? Oh hell no, no one needs that kind of power.
IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU:
1. Had someone buy you something? Rumor has it birthday prezzies are in the mail. Yay!
2. Bought something? Food and rent, Baby, food and rent.
3. Gotten sick? I do not refer to it as “sick,” I refer to it as “dancing like the lights aren’t on.”
4. Been hugged? Oh you madman. It is germ season.
5. Felt stupid? Before or after espresso doubleshots?
6. Talked to an ex? Why “talk” when you can exchange passive aggressive texts?
7. Missed someone? That Fed Ex guy is so wiley.
8. Danced crazy? What about “dancing like the lights aren’t on” was not clear?
9. Gotten your hair cut? No but my color is fabulous.
10. Lied? I am sure so but it comes so naturally — oh wait, you mean to other people?
HAVE YOU EVER. . .
1. Said “I Love you” and meant it? Of course. I was not hatched from an egg.
2. Given money to a homeless person? I have given money to people on the street — I did not ask about their accommodations.
3. Waited all night for a phone call that never came? Does getting black out drunk count as “waiting”?
4. Sat and looked at the stars? Sure but those little bastards look back that is suspicious behavior if you ask me.
5. Do you swear? Exactly what the fuck do you mean by that?
6. You’re happy with your hair? In my universe, the correct question is, Is my hair happy with me?
7. Do you like to swim? This survey was written by a Golden Retriever right?
8. Call a friend when you’re bored? I blog to avoid boredom.
9. Flowers or angels? “I’ll have what the quiz writer is having.”
10. Gray or black? Gray. [That is my sassy attempt to convince the universe I am striving for harmonious balance. Did it work?]
11. Color or black and white photos? “Black and white” is gray, Cupcake.
12. Lust or love? Let’s go with lust. Big lust. Huge lust. Really amazing shocking rock hard abs slam you up against the wall sweat till you break… um, maybe we should skip this one.
13. Sunrise or sunset? Midnight, Baby, Midnight.
BONUS VALENTINE’S QUESTIONS:
1. You have a valentines planned out to have? No but I am counting on champagne and batteries coming through.
2. Do you like having a valentine? I am sorry that journal is in storage.
3. Does someone like you currently? Oh I have an ever-changing cast of stalkers….
4. Are you even worried about the upcoming holiday? Worry is for deadlines. Holidays, I celebrate.
5. What’s the best gift to receive on the day? I’m going with wall sex. Wait. It’s not my fault. You asked about love or lust! It’s subliminal suggestion. Entrapment! I was framed!
[Say, is there a special prize for the bonus questions? I missed that part. Also, my answers and Rachel's answers are so damn similar at times I am still checking for scars where an attached twin may have been surgically removed at birth.]
December 26, 2013
Know what that is? Ohyez, that is Minot North Dakota going Banksy.
I did not think we were going to get North Dakota but that baby came in at the last minute, just was we were wrapping up the Stripes count for Christmas. And you know what that means, right?
[No? You so need to get out more.*]
We got every state by Christmas. Yay yay yay!
*Don’t know what Going Banksy is? Wow where have you been hiding?
December 24, 2013
Of my life, flowers were always something someone else brought or gave to you. Mostly associated with men. And death.
Men came calling, men sent flowers.
[Not for me, pervo, I was a little kid, jeez, for adult female relatives and family friends!]
Loved ones died? People sent flowers. Which, if you ask me, is a kind of weird association.
Flowers = Death and Men?
That cannot be healthy.
Then I worked at this interior design firm.
One day one of the other girls at the interior design firm said, “Let’s go get some flowers!” She said it like that, too, with an exclamation point. We were all at lunch. But everyone rallied right then. And we all hopped into our rides and headed over to a flower place I had no idea existed and just went fucking crazy buying flowers.
We’re not talking roses. Actually the woman at the flower place was a little freaked out about the roses. If you pull flowers out of any other tub — and we are talking tubs of flowers all containing a lot of water — and get any water on the roses, even just a drop, the roses are toast.
But we were not after roses. We were after every other flower in the flower spectrum. And that day, I took peonies back to the office.
[Side Note: Dear Men: If you ever buy me peonies as a romantic flower gift? One, you have missed the point. Two, you will never see me naked in this life or the next.]
Buying those flowers was awesome. And after? The whole office was full of flowers. And we were all insanely happy. It was like those flowers lifted five levels of unhappy off everyone who saw or touched them.
After that, I bought flowers a lot.
Then things changed.
A couple rough interstate moves. Some of those days that say, “Maybe you should buy the pancake mix instead of the flowers. Some of those days when you start saying to yourself, “You don’t really need flowers.” And then get so used to saying “you don’t really need flowers” you just stop buying flowers at all.
Today I was in line at Whole Foods behind a man and his two little girls.
The little girls were probably about nine and seven.
The little girls were dressed for shit too. Those were not fancy clothes those girls were wearing. They were worn. Cheap cotton and frayed sleeves. And they had haircuts that yelled “Mom cut my bangs and she didn’t have a level.”
And their dad’s clothes? Not so much better.
But those two little girls had sparkley shoes. One of them had red sparkley shoes. And one of them had gold sparkley shoes.
And they were carrying tulips.
The girls’ dad talked to them like they were grown ups. He did not talk down to them. They were discussing things like dinner [mac and shells, they must have been East Coast, no one west of the Mason Dixon line says "shells."] And the flowers.
One of the girls, the oldest, named Charlotte, went off to get some plastic wrap for the flowers so the flowers did not drip after being pulled out of a bucket of water while she and her sister and father were all waiting in line.
I bought flowers today. White tulips.
They are my Christmas tulips.
Thank you for reminding me, Dad and the little girls with sparkley shoes, flowers matter.
December 24, 2013
My favorite Christmas story ever.
When in Doubt, Throw Hard Candy
[AKA The Santa from Hell]
— by Toni McGee Causey
When the kids were little — I think Jake was three and Luke was seven — Christmas felt like it was going to be slim. Make that downright anorexic. So I was looking for a way to bring a little fun into the season, something that wouldn’t cost much.
I had a brilliant idea. [I should come with a warning label: If brilliant idea occurs, step way-the-hell back for your own safety.]
Anyway. The idea was to have someone play Santa at our house for a pre-Christmas visit. We’d invite all the neighbor kids and their parents and each family would bring a gift for their child ahead of time. I’d hide the gifts away and squirrel them to our Santa, who would come in the house with lots of Ho Ho Hos and joy and jovial warmth and after regaling the kids with whatever it is Santas regale kids with, he’d give out the presents. There would be hot chocolate and apple cider, a beautifully lit Christmas tree in the background. Maybe even singing, if the kids wanted to sing. We would be so sappy, Hallmark would sue. Or throw up, but whatever, it was going to be great.
When I write it out like that, it sounds like a very nice day, doesn’t it? It really does seem normal and sane and I should have known that in my world, “normal” and “sane” do not apply.
December 24, 2013
At the risk of being grossly commercial here [hey it is Christmas, never say I do not understand the Christmas spirit o' commerce] if you are still running about and have not found that perfect gift for the screenwriter on your list [well diamonds would work too but let's say you are thrifty and want to keep it under thirty bucks] The New Screenwriter’s Survival Guide is available at these retail stores:
That only works if you are in Austin, Hollywood, Seattle, or Boston, but hey, we are doing our best here and you ARE the one who waited until Christmas Eve to shop, jeez.
*The book is also available on :::AMAZON.COM:::. In case you get any pesky gift certificates and do not know what to do with them.
December 22, 2013
December 22, 2013
Such an enforced extreme in your face “jocularity” during the holiday season, blaring from the speakers in stores and malls and hospital elevators, shouting at you from the television and radio, enforced cheerful near hysterical holiday mania shouting “Your life is supposed to be this!”
“This” apparently being some sort of Norman Rockwell painting that leaves no room for anyone not receiving diamond bracelets and being embraced by fat children and loving cake bearing grandparents.
There’s a whole world out there and a lot of it is not a Rockwell painting. And if you are among those not receiving diamond bracelets, ponies, new and overpriced phones, Ford trucks that according to Ford commercials are on every eight year old’s wish list, or the embalming love of Stepford relatives with perfect wrapping skills and even more perfect hair –
If you need to know you are going to be okay in place of a screaming message “you are not okay you are doing it wrong!” amplified across a million plus blaring electronic speakers stretching from Rhode Island to Hawaii?
And remember. It IS going to be okay.
*shout out to ana maria montoya for the danielle laporte link
December 17, 2013
Boosting posts is when you give Facebook money to send posts out to way more people than would usually see the posts. It is supposed to be savvy marketing. I have mostly given that a pass. But then came the Christmas book special. [That’s over now, it ran through December 15. did you see it on Facebook? No? Bummer for you. Next time hit the book site.] So I thought, What the hell, Facebook, show us what you got — and dropped a C note on Facebook for science.
What happened was one book sale coming out of a Facebook boosted post.
[Yeah there were more sales, but only one from that Facebook boosted post --- Facebook you are not the only king of the mountain tracking where this stuff comes in from.]
After you figure time put in writing, publishing, editing, doing layout work, paying for design work, picking up little things like ISBNs, website and marketing support [not including a Facebook “boosted” post], and what not, what’s left over from one book sale is not a lot of cash and is for sure not going to justify dropping a hundred bucks on Facebook to boost that post.
Or to boost any post.
I’m okay with that. It was for science.
Here’s what is unsettling.
Ever since I boosted one post on Facebook? All other posts on the AFW and TNSSG Facebook pages suddenly aren’t getting “seen” much according to Facebook numbers.
Used to be, a solid post on one of the pages got “seen” a couple hundred times — and in really stand out moments, pages got “seen” up to 500 or 800 times.
Post the “boosted” Facebook page event, any and all posts on the AFW and TNSSG Facebook pages are lucky if they make 20 “seens.” And some are way lower than that, like around 5 or 7 “seens.” And the top top post right now? 185. Not so hot, in comparison to what the top top posts were pre-Facebook “boost” post. And definitely more uninspiring still, when you look at the current average [unbefore known to man or beast] “seen” count post “the boost”:
Maybe I’m just misguided and underestimating how many people are off the computer during the holiday season. But it sure feels on this end like all posts on the AFW and TNSSG Facebook pages are being squelched or misreported on the Facebook end post the “boosted” post – more than posts normally are squelched or unreported because of weird Facebook viewer algorithms.
The only reason I can think of for squelching “seen” numbers post a “boosted” post would be to convince someone their viewing numbers are so low without boosting a post, they’d better boost another post or they are going to be invisible from here on out.
That seems like a whole lot of stick and very little carrot to throw at someone who just for the first time handed some cash over to Facebook.
[Jeez did no one there ever take a dog training lesson?]
Also that would require, to be convincing, someone with a really short memory on the other end of those new reported “seen” numbers who hadn’t seen and remembered over a year’s worth of Facebook “seen” stats prior to the “boosted” post. And didn’t think that was pirate action, stomping someone after they gave you some cash, to try to make them give you more.
Or it could just be me —
December 7, 2013
December 1, 2013
For ONE HUNDRED YEARS —
This guy has been pulling on his tatty little red outfit and showing up to spread joy and commerce and what did you leave him last year?
Cookies right? Maybe some milk?
This year leave cash.
And maybe a nice Men’s Warehouse gift certificate.
And whiskey. God dammit, he deserves whiskey!