photo day

July 3, 2014

 

max_wild_orchid_1_bw

Max, Wild Orchid Salon Party, June 2014, Austin TX

 

 

A friend called Sunday —

To check on me. She knew I was physically okay. Facebook drama had settled by the time she logged on. I’d posted I was okay.

I laughed and said, I’m shaking off the PTSD.

She said, Yeah, that’s the part I worry about, the pacing stuff.

She has known me a long time.

I was pacing when she said that. Five feet up, five feet down, sharp turns. I tried to stop when she said that.

 


 

She and I are alike. We know that place. The pacing place.

 


 

Crap went down Friday night. Someone shot at me. Strange men pounding on my door. I posted some of it on Facebook because I wanted to leave a “last known location” trail if I went missing.

I talked to one person who called. Then I turned the phone off.

 


 

If people are hunting you, a phone ringing in your pocket is not helpful.

 


 

I spent a night in a police station once.

I had been arrested for grand theft auto.

I’d found an old truck with the keys in it, started that baby up, put it in reverse, and slammed it backwards through twenty-two ornamental hedgerows.

Then leaned on the horn with the doors locked when the truck bottomed out on hedgerow number twenty-three and waited till every light in the neighborhood came on and someone with a badge knocked on my window.

 


 

Back Story: I’d been attacked by three men, fought my way free, crawled a mile through shrubs and back roads to a neighborhood with enough houses to call for help.

The men trying to rape and kill me had hunted and caught me once on blacktop after I escaped and tried to run me down with a car.

 


 

People are mostly cowards. It’s easy to close the blinds.

I started up that truck and rammed it over all those hedges to make sure no one would close the blinds.

 


 

The police guys kept asking me for descriptions. I had to keep saying, Look, I was abducted before, I keep seeing that instead of this, I can’t give you a good description, my head keeps interchanging what happened then with what happened now.

 


 

I was seventeen.

Flashing back to an abduction at fourteen.

 


 

The one thing I could give those police guys was a description of the car that tried to run me down. One of the police guys remembered it being on the outskirts of all the Max hedge truck excitement sitting on the road with two guys standing next to it watching the mayhem that ensued from my grand theft auto stint.

They were right there. Watching. Close enough to grab me off a porch if I made the wrong porch choice.

Fuckers.

I’m so glad I stole that truck.

 


 

Nobody pressed charges. They were nice people. They got it.

 


 

People want to know what happened Friday night. They’re curious. They’re concerned. Here’s the thing. I’m a bad witness. I’ve been in so many fucked up bad you are about to die these fuckers are trying to kill you situations in my life? A martial arts instructor who only trained black belts once inducted me into his class because he thought they could learn something from me. And I didn’t even have a belt. How fucked up is that?

 


 

I can’t give you details. It makes me pace. Also they might be wrong. My head goes into PTSD Max Mode. Past and present fucked up violence moments overlap in my head.

I’m still twitching every time there’s a noise in the hall.

I’m still pacing.

But I love everyone who expressed concern.

And.

I’m still here.

 

move frenzy: part i

March 31, 2014

 

moving_boxes

 

So the move is on the horizon and I have started checking out Craigslist apartment listings to see what is out there.

Wow do I hate Austin apartment brokers. Let me count the reasons why —

 

FIVE REASONS MAX HATES AUSTIN APARTMENT RENTAL BROKERS


1: Austin apartment rental brokers are the only people you can talk to about rentals in Austin. Unless by some fluke you get an owner privately listing and renting a single personally owned unit. Austin building management doesn’t actually put up listings for apartments. There is this whole hierarchy of apartment brokers that gets listings and then arm wrestle each other for possible tenants to rent apartments to and then I guess they get a pay off from the building people. I’m not sure how it all works but I do know, you never, when you answer a Craisglist apartment listing in Austin, are talking to apartment management. You’re always talking to a broker.


2: Austin apartment brokers don’t just put up one ad for one listing on Craigslist. Apparently they have some game going called something like “he with the most listings wins.” So they put up 10 to 20 listings back to back for one rental. Often they’re all the same ad header, in which case, you can spot the repeats and just scroll through 10 to 20 repeats of the same listing you are totally not interested in or totally not interested in seeing ANOTHER 19 TIMES and hit the next one.


3. Some Austin apartment brokers are wily and change the wording on each listing headline. Apparently thinking you will be fooled into thinking this is not the same listing you have seen 9 to 19 times already and were not interested in then either.


4. Austin apartment brokers post a bunch of photos with listings, but the photos are not photos of the rental. Instead, the photos are photos of a bunch of different apartments not even related to the listing. This can be real surprising when you show up to see the apartment and it’s not the apartment you were interested in that was pictured in the photos.

Some Austin apartment brokers, don’t do that, they actually do post photos of the actual apartment itself that is being listed. This is when you get cheerful. You like the apartment pictured. The price works. The location works. You are interested in this apartment. You email in but then —


5. As soon as you email an Austin apartment broker about a specific apartment you are interested in, they pull out listings for thirty different apartments you did not ask them about and bury you in emails with links to those listings. You’re choking for air wondering what happened to the nice apartment you emailed them about in the first place but I, because I was raised apparently to be way more polite than I should be, wade through them. Then I politely say I’m not interested in them. The real go getters then, however, will bury you in another 30 emails of listings for apartments you never asked about in the first place.

 


I went through the above with ninety listings with one guy. Interspersed with cheery, “Hey give me a list of everything that matters to you in an apartment” emails which he must have NEVER READ all ten times he asked for them and I sent the same list.

He finally got frustrated and blurted out, Well, WHAT ARE YOU INTERESTED IN?

I said, “The apartment I emailed you about in the first place.”

He said, “Oh. Well I guess I could show you that place.”

By now I hated this man too much to ever talk to him again though.


conversations with the dean

February 20, 2014

Screen shot 2014-02-20 at 6.43.07 PM

max mas yay!

February 12, 2014

 

black_hat_and_backless_dress MaxMas!

 

Yay!

Where? Austin Texas
When? February 12
What Time? 12:01 AM until closing [we use the term "closing" loosely]

How should you celebrate MaxMas? Oh let us count the ways… wait, we do not want to overwhelm you, let’s do a top five:

 

TOP FIVE WAYS TO CELEBRATE MAXMAS:

1. Buy Max incredibly expensive shoes. Dolce is a serious fave. Yay!

2. Give Max a spiff Victoria’s Secret gift card. Yay!

3. Shower Max with Grand Marnier! Yay!

[Okay we are using the word "shower" loosely, do not under any circumstances douse Max with Grand Marnier. She is vengeful and also violent.]

4. Drop some cash on the save the wolves fund in Max’s name. Or anyone’s name. We’re good with Godzilla. Just do it. You will feel good. Max will feel good. Wolves will feel good. Godzilla will feel good. Yay!

5. Attend the MaxMas super super secret MaxMas underground party. [There is only one way to do this. Get the secret secret super secret party details. Are you in? Yay!]

 

maxmas, yay!

January 22, 2014

 

black_hat_and_backless_dress 3 weeks till MaxMas!

 

Yay!

Where?  Austin Texas
When?  February 12
What Time?  12:01 AM until closing [we use the term "closing" loosely]

How should you celebrate MaxMas?  Oh let us count the ways… wait, we do not want to overwhelm you, let’s do a top five:

 

TOP FIVE WAYS TO CELEBRATE MAXMAS:

1.  Buy Max incredibly expensive shoes.  This is always a favorite, and also Dolce is a serious fave, but you might require a shoe size to pull it off and only very special people know Max’s shoe size.  Moving on —

2.  Give Max a spiff Victoria’s Secret gift card.  Of course, you probably won’t want to do that unless you are counting on actually seeing what Max uses that gift card for.  Feeling lucky? Maybe not. Moving on —

3.  Shower Max with Grand Marnier!  Okay we are using the word “shower” metaphorically, do not under any circumstances actually douse Max with Grand Marnier.  She is vengeful and also violent when it comes to cleaning bills.

4.  Drop some cash on the save the wolves fund in Max’s name.  Or anyone’s name.  We’re good with Godzilla. Just do it. You will feel good. Max will feel good. Wolves will feel good. Even Godzilla will feel good. Yay!

5.  Attend the MaxMas super super secret MaxMas underground party.  [There is only one way to do this.  Get the secret secret super secret party details.  Be creative.]

 

That’s it sports fans.

 

Love and Kisses,

 

Your MaxMas Adams Girl

 

we are playing with photos

December 20, 2013

 

And when I say “we” there I mean “me,” not the Queen of England.

Settle down, you across the Atlantic peeps.

[Also just to be polite right now but not really because I am not actually sorry, I will say sorry for all those Fourth of July cards I sent the queen.]

[But not really. I am totally not sorry.]

[Look at the name. Adams? You really want an apology from an "Adams" if you are "English"? I thought not. Back to the blog post --- ]

 

max_collage_dec_2013

 

Those are mostly photos of me. That could be because I am freaky absorbed with my own face. Or. That could be because I am reviewing my life and putting it in perspective at the end of the year [yeah, that is freaky, who evaluates their life at the end of the year, nobody, right?] and also —

News Flash. Doy. It’s my blog.

 

 

 

cat_feetAustin looks like —

Seattle tonight.

 


 

There is a mist that has settled around the city that mutes and softens harsh lights from tall buildings all around me.

 


 

Time is waiting for the fog to lift.

 

 

 

cinderella_feet_broom_smHow to Kill —

A Petsitter Request in 5 Easy Steps

1. Pretend you want to take someone out for a midnight snack when really you are flanking them to pet sit. For a week and a half. Over Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Camping at your place. Alone. With two dogs who have to go out five times a day.

2. Forget to inform the accompanying child she is supposed to be pleasant to support this flank maneuver instead of responding to any polite rejoinder with a death stare before silently going back to texting.

3. Open with “Will you be in town for Christmas?” — which sounds like someone is about to ask you over for a nice Christmas dinner before they say, Great!, you can pet sit! For a week and a half! 24 hours a day! Over Christmas and New Year’s Eve!

4. Scream “You owe me money!” if someone says camping at your place for a week and a half alone over the holidays might be a problem.

5. Yell, “You just want to party!” when YOU want to party for a week and a half in France. What the fuck is up with your friend wanting any free nights over the holidays? Wow is she a Bitch!

 


*Cinderella was not a handbook on how to treat friends.

 

 

brokenmaskThere’s a big internet scare —

About Los Angeles being the next big 9-11 hit.

Tomorrow.

November 15th.

 


It’s kind of stupid. I’m not sure why anyone would follow up, say, I dunno, on a 2001 September attack in 20013 in November on a completely different day. Really? 12 years later? In a different month on a different day. Not that that is just bad marketing follow through. But, ultimately, completely stupid. Nobody waits 12 years to follow up. You are probably safe, Los Angeles. Unless your government wants to fuck with you. I’m pretty sure no terrorists are this marketing impaired. But the government? Pretty sure it is.

 


The internet warning says warnings are going out from Anonymous. People are talking. On one hand saying Anonymous is full of crap. On another hand saying, This is some government conspiracy to put info out there under the Anonymous handle to discredit Anonymous. And then there is the third hand, (nice to have three hands, right?), If Anonymous did just uncover and make public a 9-11 type attack, the fastest way to discredit Anonymous would be to just not do the attack.

 


Sucks to be you, Los Angeles, in the cross fire, in this discussion. Since, if you live in Los Angeles, this is not exactly an intellectual discussion, it is a question of whether or not you are going to get blown up tomorrow going into work.

 


I wonder sometimes how all of this turned into an “intellectual discussion.”

 


It’s not an intellectual discussion for me. I was born in Los Angeles. So were my parents. So were some of my grandparents. You’re not talking about, Oh I just happened to be there, when you talk about blowing up Los Angeles to me. You’re talking about blowing up my grandparents’ headstones.

Fuck you.

 


What people are not saying —

Los Angeles has already been hit. It is an insidious hit, but it’s a hit. Japan blew up and is spewing radioactivity into the Pacific and the airstream that is hitting the West Coast of the U.S., every day, and there’s a dog pile of radioactive flotsam from the Japan tsunami wake washing up all along the West Coast.

 


No one’s even talking about that effect on Hawaii, which was in the direct path of the first wash, but people at some point will have to start talking when thousands of pounds of radioactive flotsam hits shores from Baja to Seattle.

Also you have to consider the Hudson Current, which runs north to south from Alaska to Mexico unless there is an El Nino in effect, and then runs backwards, from Mexico to Alaska. Which means even places that shouldn’t be in the path, like Alaska? Are going to get hit.

 


Once upon a time after 9-11 some students and I in a chat room were talking about, if 9-11 were on purpose and a little more organized and insidious?, what would the next hit be.

We mapped it out.

 


So far that map is pretty accurate. But we missed some stuff. We thought Seattle would go before Los Angeles. Seattle has a for shit sea wall, bad bridges, a lot of political misbehaving in terms of funds, and is the easiest physical infrastructure to take down after New Orleans. But —

We just were not imaginative enough.

 


We never imagined someone would take out the entire Pacific Rim by blowing up Japan.

 

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