Rocket Dog
You make my heart sing
You make everything ~


You know how you go online looking for something VERY specific —

And TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT find something entirely different?

Screen shot 2014-04-22 at 4.14.25 AM

Tell me how I could have not bought these?

Look how adorable they are.



david sedaris and easter

April 20, 2014



i have to post this

April 19, 2014





Back for a repeat performance because this is seriously my favorite Easter post also there is no such thing as too much The Easter Bunny Hates You. Yay!

[Happy Easter everyone.]




Screen shot 2014-04-19 at 8.03.30 AM


We did the BOOK MEME. That was awesome.

We did GOING BANKSY. That was awesome.

We did TNSSG T-SHIRT PHOTOS. That was awesome.

We need to do something new and fun for the book.


One of the coolest things people used to do when the first book was out was send in photos of themselves with the book.

Here is David’s Baby Luke with the original book. Yay!

Luke The Smartest Baby In The World

Here is Ben with the original book. Yay!

Benjamin Green With The Screewriter's Survival Guide



















Post a photo of you with The New Screenwriter’s Survival Guide to the book’s Facebook Page.


Sure sure sure, “Why Facebook” you ask. Isn’t Facebook a device of the devil?

Yes, yes it is, but less a device of the devil than me trying to single handedly play catcher in the photos in email game.

Post it to the TNSSG Facebook Page. It will be great.


The Rules: We are not big on rules around here, but let’s go with no blatant nudity.

The Prizes: There will totally be prizes for cool photos but we haven’t decided what they are, you already have the book, but we have other swag and prizes so photo up, sports fans, and let’s find out what you win yay!

The Photos: Your photo does not have to be with the paperback, take a photo with you and the book on the Kindle or iPad and that flies with us.





There is an old old story.  A guy is in a town that is flooding. 

[Probably New Iberia but that is up for grabs.] 

Everyone says, For the love of Jesus, evacuate!

The guy says, No, God will provide.



Then the place floods and he’s stuck on his roof.  Because, doy, flood!

And a rescue boat comes and the peeps in the rescue boat say, Come into the boat, be saved!

He says, No, God will provide.



Then the waters rise really high, he can’t even sit on his roof any more, he has to stand on the peak while waters rage around trying to take him down by the ankles.

And a helicopter arrives, and the helicopter crew throws him a line.  Yay!

But he turns his back and says, No, God will provide.



Then the waters rise more and he drowns and is dead.


But not so bummer, he arrives at God’s gates.  Yay!

Except, well, he is kind of pissed off.  He had faith.  He waited, he believed, now he’s dead, what’s up with that? 

So he gets up in God’s face, Yo, God!  I was waiting on you to provide!

And God says, being all patient like God is [I so get this, being a teacher] —

I showed up with people to evacuate you, and you turned them away. 

I showed up with a boat, and you turned it away. 

I showed up with a helicopter, and you turned it away.

What more must I do, my son, to save you?





I know, freaking gorgeous, right? Ahhh!


SO THERE I WAS completely minding my own business coming down off a 5 am work high trying to wear myself out enough to sleep —

[You don't know 5 am work highs?  They're what comes from pushing through midnight and 3 am and the desire to sleep and catching a second/third/fourth wind to keep working because you have something that needs to be finished before the alarm goes off for other people on some coast USA --- only then you are done and it is 5 am and you can't just go to sleep, you have defied the gods o' sleep too long and they are pissed so now you have to wind down and no, there are no drugs involved, quit it...]

— When this hot kilt meme showed up on FB and I thought, you know, maybe hot kilt guys would be just the thing right now and also everything else has a hot this or that page there should be a hot kilt page around here somewhere.




There was some private group.

[What the hell do they do in a private group?  Okay wait, that might be scary, don't answer that.]

There was an app. And it did not work.


There was some page with like, 5 kilt photos.


And no good hot kilt pages.






[You're welcome.]


[I know.  It is not plaid.  Screw plaid!  It does not have to be plaid!  I am descended from Scots I can say that.  The real Scots might get a little excitable though.]


THAT IS THE STORY of how I came to be the mover and shaker behind the one and only acceptable hot guys in kilts page on FacebookMEN IN KILTS

I know, totally professional, right?


[Screw professional, life is short!  Okay maybe not so professional, but life IS short.  Also, we are talking kilts.  Yay!]





move frenzy: part i

March 31, 2014




So the move is on the horizon and I have started checking out Craigslist apartment listings to see what is out there.

Wow do I hate Austin apartment brokers. Let me count the reasons why —



1: Austin apartment rental brokers are the only people you can talk to about rentals in Austin. Unless by some fluke you get an owner privately listing and renting a single personally owned unit. Austin building management doesn’t actually put up listings for apartments. There is this whole hierarchy of apartment brokers that gets listings and then arm wrestle each other for possible tenants to rent apartments to and then I guess they get a pay off from the building people. I’m not sure how it all works but I do know, you never, when you answer a Craisglist apartment listing in Austin, are talking to apartment management. You’re always talking to a broker.

2: Austin apartment brokers don’t just put up one ad for one listing on Craigslist. Apparently they have some game going called something like “he with the most listings wins.” So they put up 10 to 20 listings back to back for one rental. Often they’re all the same ad header, in which case, you can spot the repeats and just scroll through 10 to 20 repeats of the same listing you are totally not interested in or totally not interested in seeing ANOTHER 19 TIMES and hit the next one.

3. Some Austin apartment brokers are wily and change the wording on each listing headline. Apparently thinking you will be fooled into thinking this is not the same listing you have seen 9 to 19 times already and were not interested in then either.

4. Austin apartment brokers post a bunch of photos with listings, but the photos are not photos of the rental. Instead, the photos are photos of a bunch of different apartments not even related to the listing. This can be real surprising when you show up to see the apartment and it’s not the apartment you were interested in that was pictured in the photos.

Some Austin apartment brokers, don’t do that, they actually do post photos of the actual apartment itself that is being listed. This is when you get cheerful. You like the apartment pictured. The price works. The location works. You are interested in this apartment. You email in but then —

5. As soon as you email an Austin apartment broker about a specific apartment you are interested in, they pull out listings for thirty different apartments you did not ask them about and bury you in emails with links to those listings. You’re choking for air wondering what happened to the nice apartment you emailed them about in the first place but I, because I was raised apparently to be way more polite than I should be, wade through them. Then I politely say I’m not interested in them. The real go getters then, however, will bury you in another 30 emails of listings for apartments you never asked about in the first place.


I went through the above with ninety listings with one guy. Interspersed with cheery, “Hey give me a list of everything that matters to you in an apartment” emails which he must have NEVER READ all ten times he asked for them and I sent the same list.

He finally got frustrated and blurted out, Well, WHAT ARE YOU INTERESTED IN?

I said, “The apartment I emailed you about in the first place.”

He said, “Oh. Well I guess I could show you that place.”

By now I hated this man too much to ever talk to him again though.

this cracked me up

March 31, 2014






Once upon a time a long long time ago —

Three men were talking to God, and God gave each a bag of gold.

One man’s bag of gold was kind of small.

One man’s bag of gold was medium.

One man’s bag of gold was huge.

And God said, Hey, go out and do what you will but I expect at the end of this set period of time [which I don't remember] you to come back and report on what you did with this gift of a bag of gold.



[If God is sounding kind of like a loan shark to you there, he did to me too, but the story went on to say God did not go for things like usury so God was an okay guy and it would all work out.]

[This is also when the Sunday school teacher started looking at me real hard a lot if I raised my hand.]

[Back to studio!]



So the three guys go out and one invests the gold, and he loses it all. Ahh!

And the other goes out and invests and gets rich as the Koch Brothers. Yay!

And the last guy, he burries the gold in the ground because it is God’s gold and he doesn’t want to lose it.



Flash forward.



It is report back on the gold day and the guys hook back up with God. And God says, Okay, guys, what did you do with the gold —



[At the time I hear this story, I am suspecting this is going to go very badly for "Lost It All Guy." But I am wrong. God is not a loan shark in the traditional sense after all.]



So, report back to God time….

“Lost It All Guy” is screwed and knows it. But God taps him first so he says —

[Okay here I would have maybe tried to lie, but "Lost It All Guy" is apparently also "Freakishly Honest Guy" --- yet another reason some of these parables are suspect but anyway...]

“Lost It All Guy” says —

“Sorry God, lost it all.”

God forgives him and says, “No worries.”



“Made a Mint Guy” is thinking, “Fuck that! Lost It All Guy, that ain’t fair I made a profit!” But he is not stupid enough to say that to God out loud so says,

“Yo, God, made a mint!”

God says, “Good job.”



“Buried It In The Ground Guy” is thinking he is home free and says, “No worries, God, got it all right here, I have kept it safe!”

And God says, “You are so in trouble, ‘Buried It In The Ground Guy.’”

And “Buried It In The Ground Guy” says, “Whut? Why? I saved your gold, I did not piss it away like ‘Lost God’s Gold Guy’ did why am I in trouble?”



And God says:

Because I gave you a gift to risk and use.

And instead of risking or using it, you buried it in dirt.


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