letters from the ethos : apocalypse tuesday

July 3, 2007

 

gothic roseDear Blonde Assassin —

They’ve banned fireworks in our hometown.

Insanity Jones, my cat that has this ritual where he attacks fireman when they’re around [I guess the 4Th Of July is sort of like a religious holiday to Insanity]. So, Insanity has been waiting by the fire hydrant and in the last couple of weeks every time he hears a snap, crackle and pop he gets all excited and starts running around in circles and purring so hard he starts to sneeze..

Anyway.

After a few of our Law Enforcement Types paid our neighborhood a visit I haven’t heard as much as a Pop-It go off.

Insanity is losing his will to live.

Today he slept on the sidewalk in front of the hydrant and my neighbor thought he was dead- so he poked him with a stick.

I thought that what Insanity did to that stick and my neighbor was so funny that I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe and I almost fainted. My husband had to pound me on the back and I sounded like a speed boat – which was so funny sounding that I kept laughing.

And he had to keep pounding me on the back.

I almost fainted and now one of my eyes is sort of crossed but I think it’ll be okay.

Now my neighbor is walking around his yard with a plastic squirt bottle full of vinegar and wants to know how long that crazy son of a bitch next door is going to live for-

I said that wasn’t a nice thing to say about a poor old cat who severely depressed and he said he was actually talking about me.

What should I do?

Signed,

Concerned Pet Owner

 


 

Dear Concerned Pet Owner :

Set your neighbor’s house on fire.

Love and Kisses,

The Blonde Assassin

 


 

You too can write the blonde assassin
Send email to :
blonde_assassin at celluloidblonde dot com

 

 

where the art work comes from :
that is tainted love from arab queen

46 Responses to “letters from the ethos : apocalypse tuesday”

  1. Hurray!
    The Blonde Assassin Saves The Day.
    I.J

  2. max said

    The neighborhood gets a fire works display after all and Insanity gets his firemen and the neighbor gets an excuse for carrying a water shooting device instead of looking like deranged uber geek. Everybody wins. Yay!

  3. Jennifer said

    Holy crap! On the floor over here!!

  4. LOL. Love the Insanity stories.
    “He said he was actually talking about me.” Okay I can’t stop laughing.

  5. if all your advice is like that I can just go with my own thinking

  6. But will it be as much fun Criminy?
    amm

  7. good point anita…not even close.

  8. Dear Blonde Assassin,

    I’m considering killing one of my co-workers for mere sport and I need some advice.

    Should I:
    A) break out my PPK with silencer attachment
    B) use a cheap .22 wrapped in a pillowcase
    C) bolt a No. 8 spring knacker bear trap to a 2×4 and use it as a perverse club, or
    D) push him in front of the janitor’s floor stripper?

    Yours in homicide . . .

  9. max said

    [psst, frontier, you have to send real email]

  10. Whoo Hooo- fireworks, someone around here ( well a lot of someones ) are shooting off BANNED FIREWORKS.

    YESYESYES-
    Insanity eats tonight!

    amm

  11. sulya said

    Okay. Now. Anita-Marie. You MUST MUST MUST get pictures next time of what Insanity does to evil stupid neighbour guy. I mean, sure, I’ve got an imagination an all but for comeuppance like that – visuals are always good…

  12. max said

    Oh Insanity will be so happy. Yay!

  13. Hi Max
    He sure looks happy, which has me worried- Insanity is like those crazy people you see in the movies…you know they’re up to no good when they smile.

    Hey Sulya
    I’m going to get a camera this weekend- Insanity has friends in a school in Australia and they want picture of him.

    So I’ll let you know when I get them up.

    amm

  14. max said

    Oh I am with Sulya. At the very least we need photos of Insanity. He is a star you know.

  15. Yeah, but he’s more like an ” America’s Most Wanted’ kind of Star.

    Ha.

    amm

  16. i thought i saw max on there last weekend but it was some other blonde assassin

  17. max said

    It was not me. I was at church. Helping orphans. Blind orphans. Blind orphans with broken toaster ovens.

  18. thats eerie…the lady on AMW was making orphan toast in an oven

  19. max said

    Oh that had to be Anita Marie. She gets a little rough with orphans.

  20. We need Insanity to add to the Cat Diary .

  21. I’m NOT the one who gets rough with Orphans they hardly make a sou- hey Adams are you trying to rat me out…ha, we’ll see about that.

    And I’ll take a look at the Cat Diary…I say the more we all know about Insanity the Safer we’ll all be- which means his favorite Human ( Max ) will probably have issues with that…

    amm

  22. oh, no…you’re cat people? I canhazcheeseburger type cat people? O ever discuss my theory for stopping world hunger with y’all?

  23. Do you know I learned this great line from the Cheeseburger Cats-
    “the orange ones….are… poison.”
    I’m saying it all the time now, every chance I get
    On purpose.
    Just because.
    http://icanhascheezburger.com/2007/06/25/teh-orange-ones/

  24. i am the anti-catter. I used to go to cheezeburger just to make pithy comments. They attacked my blog with everything but photon torpedoes. It was hilarious. i still think cats would make a great food source. They’re like pigeons…they live anywhere

  25. Wow, and i thought that the cheezeburger bloggers were all passive and silly.
    They send hate mail?
    I’m dyin’ here.

    amm

  26. oh geez, anita…i had it coming…i was on that “isn’t this cute” bunch like a wolf on a steak.

  27. max said

    Oh Jonathan Swift ran around saying the English should just go ahead and eat Irish babies and what did that get him? A whole bunch of barely palatable animated television programming geared at children.

  28. it was a modest proposal. A well thought out satirical display of insanity, at a time when insanity might well have passed for the norm today.

  29. max said

    That guy wrote the most brilliant satire. It kills me everytime I see his stuff turned into some bumbling kiddy cartoon.

  30. I concur. For whatever reason people find it easier to destroy someone elses body of work easier than creating one of their own to destroy. I have a certain level of respect for george lucas. He built a following for his star wars trilogy, and then trashed it in the next one. Gotta love a guy that breaks his own stuff

  31. So now we’re up to satire and the film industry.
    That’s a step up in the tone of conversation..but
    I can’t help counting down the seconds until someone potty brain brings up fire and sex and underwear again…shoot….
    amm

  32. while i was having sex last night my underwear caught fire…good thing i was alone, hunh?

  33. max said

    Oh you are both confused the highest brow this convo has gotten was talking Insanity Jones. He is special.

  34. speaking of confused…i just caught roscoe the wonder bunny humping mollie’s water dish. the mooch was sitting there watching with her perpetual smile..wierd pets.

  35. max said

    Rabbits are real susceptible to scents. Even cut bulls, if there is a rabbit around sending out arousing scents, it can get him pretty excited. Are there wild rabbits in the neighborhood?

    Either that or it is a dominance thing [you know you have to keep those water dishes in their place ] or, well, Roscoe could just be a total pervo bunny.

  36. yes there are, and i took him outside tonight…maybe it waas that and he is a total pervo

  37. max said

    Oh see it is the lure of the wild bunny driving him mad with lust. He cannot help that. Maybe he needs a little gas mask for trips outside.

  38. he needs testosterone free rabbit vitles is what he needs

  39. max said

    Ooh la la. You have a sassy new grape avatar.

  40. i was fiddling… I’m not a techno type…my blog has never had a picture, except the one i took for my header

  41. max said

    Wow. You were a photo virgin. I feel all dirty now.

  42. thats ok…you’ll look back on this someday and feel raw, feral satisfaction

  43. max said

    Wow. That sounds like personal experience talking.

  44. merely an astute observation. i would never devirginize anything….its just not cricket.

  45. Well, I’ll be damned – I thought the e-mail address was Swiftian satire. I’m a silly bunt . . .

  46. max said

    It is but it is also a real address.

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