prizes yay!

Hey. Celluloid Blonde won a prize. Yay! It comes with a graphic of two girls kissing [my parents will be so proud] and it is from JanieBelle & Kate.

Thanks JanieBelle & Kate.

Smooch!

[ps: no tongue fresh stuff]

1-800-texas

 

This is totally hillarious. Watch it right away.

---

Whew! Got out of that one.

Good thing I can snag the funniness of others. I cannot be funny every day here you know.

 

where i snagged this :
that hot doc’s wife — she finds the best cartoons

blame it on aj

 

It started with —

The internet blackout of 2006. My internet connection crashed — and stayed crashed — for a damn week. AJ’s hard drive melted. Kitty’s PC died and could not be revived by man or N.A.S.A. space engineers. Half the workshop was hurled offline to stumble around in the dark of real time real space. It was computer catastrophe. It took out two continents. And the fallout lasted months.

I am not kidding.

Months.

When the rubble cleared we staggered, trembling, back to our keyboards, and found out why.

AJ had been charring a Zen garden rake.

Yes. A Zen garden rake.

That was supposed to be used to rake sand for Zen complacency —

NOT CHARRED TO A BLACKENED STUB OVER THE FLAME OF A ZEN GARDEN CANDLE.

That is so Zen garden abuse. And so not feng shui.

And it took out two continents.

Two.

AJ was not even allowed to light a candle for ages, after.

And ever since? If something even vaguely goes wrong?

We give AJ the eye.

 

---

ps: never in my life did i imagine putting a southpark image on this page but that just does look like aj which to me is too funny to not do

 

death by horoscope

Damn. It is Susan time again.

In mere days, those blasted horoscopes will be up for February.

AJ is donning body pads and helmet. I have medicinal vodka and a big stick I liberated from the not cute construction guys.

We are as ready as we are going to get.

Now we wait.

 

construction this

Construction workers are not cute. I lived in Seattle across the street from a building that was under construction what felt like every day I lived there and was one of those construction workers cute? No. They were all short and squat built like fire plugs on a strict donut diet and they did not wear belts to keep their pants properly in place so you did not want to be around if they had to bend over for anything it was a run away moment if that ever happened.

Now I am in a building which seems to require new tenants by law reconstruct the whole damn place using the help of not cute construction workers. With power saws. With power drills. With hammers. And in real exciting moments like this morning, nail guns that win a prize if you shoot the most nails the fastest for the longest. And they must start early in the morning. And also work Sundays.

Listen I would not mind all this freaking power saw and nail gun action early on Sunday IF THE FREAKING CONSTRUCTION WORKERS WERE CUTE. I could gather my Diet Coke and lawn chair and wander down the hall to languish bleary eyed as a spectator with the promise of pretending I was at a Chippendale review or something.

But this? This is so wrong.

It is time for a new rule.

The construction workers must be cute rule.

From now on. Construction workers must be at least six feet tall. Construction worker waistlines must be no larger than 36 inches. Construction workers must wear well fitted jeans. [Boxer shorts should not poof out of those jeans and those jeans should not spend most of their time dangerously hovering on the brink of falling free of whatever bubble gum adhesive is keeping them glued to the bottom of one butt cheek.] Shirts are not encouraged. All construction workers should have all their hair and all their teeth. [This does not include back or knuckle or ear or nostril hair they invented wax for a reason.] Exceptional abs and biceps are a must. Bonus points for pretty eyes and a chiselled jaw. And no facial hair.

Is that asking too much? On a Sunday morning?

I think not.

[PS: If my new neighbors are reading? Listen. Anybody who uses a nail gun with that much freedom of intent needs an immediate tox screen that just does not happen without pick me up chemical action nothing needs that many nails.]

valentines survey

This survey swiped liberally and without apology because I am just like that from Rachel.

VALENTINES SURVEY
1. Do you like anyone? Very few people.

2. Do they know it? Oh hell no no one needs that kind of power.

IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU:
1. Had someone buy you something? Yes thank God for female friends.

2. Bought something? Food and rent, Baby, food and rent.

3. Gotten sick? Yes and my eggnog love has been sucked dry for life.

4. Been hugged? Oh you madman. It is germ season.

5. Felt stupid? Regularly. There is a name for that. It is called life.

6. Talked to an ex? Hell no. That is no way to start the new year.

7. Missed someone? Yes. He had four paws and a tail.

8. Danced crazy? Yes, New Year’s Eve on the roof. Yay!

9. Gotten your hair cut? No and the neighbors are plotting an intervention.

10. Lied? I am sure so but it comes so natural nothing really stands out. Wait, you mean to other people?

HAVE YOU EVER. . .
1. Said “I Love you” and meant it? Sure. Wow was I wrong.

2. Given money to a homeless person? Oftener than is really a good idea.

3. Waited all night for a phone call that never came? Does getting black out drunk count as waiting?

4. Sat and looked at the stars? Sure but those little bastards look back that is suspicious behavior if you ask me.

5. Do you swear? Exactly what the fuck do you mean by that?

6. You’re happy with your hair? In my universe, the correct question is, Is my hair happy with me?

7. Do you like to swim? Say, was this survey written by a Golden Retriever?

8. Call a friend when you’re bored? No. I blog to avoid human contact.

9. Flowers or angels? Flowers? Angels? Are you on goddamned happy pills?

10. Gray or black? Gray. [That is my suave attempt to convince the universe I am struggling for harmonious balance. Crafty, huh?]

11. Color or black and white photos? Black & White is gray too doofus.

12. Lust or love? At this point I would settle for lust. Big lust. Huge lust. Really amazing shocking rock hard abs slam you up against the wall sweat till you break… um, maybe we should skip this one.

13. Sunrise or sunset? Midnight, Baby, Midnight.

BONUS VALENTINE’S QUESTIONS:
1. You have a valentines planned out to have? No. Excuse me while I sharpen this razor blade and check for Hemlock in the pantry.

2. Do you like having a valentine? I am sorry that journal is in storage.

3. Does someone like you currently? Only the ever-changing cast of stalkers.

4. Are you even worried about the upcoming holiday? Worried no. Suicidal yes.

5. What’s the best gift to receive on the day? The Imaginary Boyfriend. Doy.

[Say, is there a special prize for the bonus questions? I missed that part. Also, my answers and Rachel's answers are so damn similar at times there was just no point changing them they were the same answer. I am checking for scars where an attached twin may have been surgically removed at birth.]

where the art work came from : that is nouveau goddess by svetlana valueva

where the valentine survey came from : yoyo-dyne propulsion labs

get real

I just took the “what does your candy heart say” quiz. [Translation: Insomnia is riding me hard lately.] I did not expect this heart. Who knew candy hearts even said that?

Your Candy Heart Says “Get Real”

You’re a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don’t lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine’s Day date: is all about the person you’re seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and “greeting card” holidays Why you’re hot: you don’t just play hard to get – you are hard to get

:::take the candy heart quiz:::

 

anonymous

I have a history of weirdos messing with me. You know, the guy who took one class, showed a day late, bounced his check, started showing up at the office after hours in a weird disguise like big sunglasses and a big hat when it was totally dark? Called me from jail, collect, after promising he would stop calling and also stop swinging a baseball bat outside a local cafe asking strangers if they know Max Adams?

That kind of strange?

That kind of strange hits often enough, you get a little just not comfortable with people who could put a name and a website down, but choose instead to be labeled “anonymous” and use email addresses at hotmail and yahoo.

I think about this, I figure, Hey, it is probably totally harmless.

On the other hand? I just do not need to be worrying about blog posts or who they are from or what they are about or whether approving it means I am about to take a new fun hit from the whacko crowd.

So. Here is how this works.

You respond around here? You use a name. I do not care if it is made up. Hell, Janie flat out says she is totally fictitious. [Happy birthday Janie.] But –

I can look at her site pages, I can see what she is about, I have a feel for who the person is who is posting. You come in here with the tag “anonymous” and no website and some “guess who” account at yahoo?

You are getting deleted.

No offense. I just do not need to be worried about this stuff.

Love and Kisses.

That Not Anonymous Adams Girl

where the art work came from : images by john woodwark

february is coming

February is coming. That is Mardis Gras. And Valentine’s Day. And my birthday.

Each month means things to me. May is the bad month. There is a lot stacked up in May that is bad.

But February is all good. Carnivale. Birth. Love.

I like February a lot.

The day of my birth is problematic. It is Feb 12. That is the same day Lincoln and Darwin were born. To me that means I am going to accomplish great things — or be real funny looking and violently mocked by my peers.

I am shooting for accomplish great things.

what i learned at the gun range

You get used to ejecting cartridge shells hitting you in the face. It is possible to shoot with both eyes open. Calling cartridges bad words gets them into magazines faster. Guns were not designed for people with French tips. If you stop thinking and just aim you will hit what you aim at. If you mention this to anyone Army, they will get upset and tell you you are supposed to think before pulling the trigger. [This sounds good in theory but really not thinking is key to hitting what you aim at and who are those Army boys kidding? Like anyone Army went through basic to learn how to think?] Always remember to get your driver’s license back from the guy at the counter before you leave. This will really help when you get pulled over on your way home carrying a firearm you were too tired to lock in the trunk.

where this came from : seemaxrun other thoughts